England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; English fiction -- 19th century
"Where is the blame?" Julian broke out, with sudden vehemence. "I
cannot think that ever husband was more patient and more indulgent than
I have been. I have refused her nothing that my means could possibly
obtain. I have given up all the old quiet habits of my life that she
mightn't think I slighted her; I scarcely ever open a book at home,
knowing that it irritates her to see me reading; I do my best to amuse
her at all times. How does she reward me? For ever she grumbles that I
can't perform impossibilities,--take her to theatres, buy her new
dresses, procure for her friends and acquaintances. My wishes,
expressed or understood, weigh with her less than the least of her own
caprices. She wantonly does things which she knows will cause me
endless misery. Her companions are gross and depraved people, who
constantly drag her lower and lower, to their own level. The landlady
has told me that, in my absence, women have called to see her who
certainly ought not to enter any decent house. When I entreat her to
give up such associates, her only answer is to accuse me of
selfishness, since I have friends myself, and yet won't permit her to
have any. And things have gone from bad to worse. Several nights of
late, when I have got home, she has been away, and has not returned
till much after midnight. Hour after hour I have sat there in the
extremest misery, waiting, waiting, feeling as though my brain would
burst with its strain! I have no idea where she goes to. If I ask, she
only retorts by asking me where I spend the nights when I am with you,
and laughs contemptuously when I tell her the truth. Her suspicions and
jealousy are incessant, and torture me past endurance. Once or twice, I
confess, I have lost patience, and have spoken angrily, too angrily;
then she has accused me of brutal disregard of her sufferings. It would
hurt me less if she pierced me with a knife. Only this morning there
was a terrible scene; she maddened me past endurance by her wretched
calumnies--accusing me of I know not what disgraceful secrets--and when
words burst from me involuntarily, she fell into hysterics, and
shrieked till all the people in the house ran up in alarm. Can you
understand what this means to one of my temperament? To have my private
affairs forced upon strangers in this way tortures me with the pains of
hell. I am naturally reticent and retiring--too much so, I dare
say--and no misery could have been devised for me more dreadful than
this. Her accusations are atrocious, such as could only come from a
grossly impure mind, or at the suggestion of vile creatures. You she
hates with a rabid hatred--God only knows why. She would hate any one
who was my friend, and whose society relieved me for a moment from my
ghastly torments!"
He ceased for very exhaustion, so terribly did the things he described
work upon him.
"What am I to do, Waymark? Can you give me advice?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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