England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; English fiction -- 19th century
Ida, to get rid of her troublesome though well-meaning attendant, had
promised to lie down, but she had no need of sleep. Alone, she still
kept her chair by the fire, sitting like one worn out with fatigue, her
hands upon her lap, her head drooping, her eyes fixed on vacancy. She
was trying to think, but thoughts refused to come consecutively, and a
dull annoyance at this inability to reason upon her position fretted
her consciousness. Not with impunity can the human mind surrender
itself for half a year to unvaried brooding upon one vast misery; the
neglected faculties revenge themselves by rusting, and will not respond
when at length summoned. For months Ida's thoughts had gone round and
round about one centre of anguish, like a wailing bird circling over a
ravaged nest. The image of her mental state had been presented by an
outward experience with which she became familiar. Waking long before
daylight, she would lie with her eyes directed to the little barred
window, and watch till there came the first glimmer of dawn. Even so
was it her sole relief in the deep night of her misery to look forward
for that narrow gleam of hope--her ultimate release. As the day
approached, she made it the business of her thoughts to construct a
picture of the events it would bring. Even before hearing from Waymark,
she had been sure that he would meet her; Waymark and freedom grew
identical images; to be free meant to see him awaiting her and to put
herself absolutely in his hands. Now that everything had turned out
differently from what she had grown to anticipate with certainty, she
found herself powerless to face the unexpected. Why had Waymark failed
her?--she could do no more than repeat the question a thousand times,
till the faculty of self-communing forsook her. It was as though the
sun should fail one morning to rise upon the world, and men should
stand hopeless of day for ever.
She wondered vaguely whither she had been brought. At one moment she
seemed to have been waiting an eternity in this unknown room, Julian's
face and voice unspeakably remote; then again she would look round and
wonder that she no longer saw the bare walls and barred window of her
cell, the present seeming only a dream. All the processes of her mind
were slow, sinewless. She tried to hope for something, to expect that
something would happen, but could not summon the energy. Resentment,
revolt, bitterness of spirit, of these things she knew just as little.
They had been strong enough within her at first, but how long ago that
seemed! She had no thought of time in the present; to sit waiting for
an hour meant as little as to wait five minutes; such was the habit
that had become impressed upon her by interminable days and nights.
When at length she heard a knock at the door it filled her with fear;
she started to her feet and looked with unintelligent eyes at the woman
who again presented herself.
"Do you feel better, 'm?" the landlady asked. "Have you rested
yourself?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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