What must two years be, in which is nothing that outweighs their number.
Not failure. For failure is infinite. Not achievement. For though that
be limited, it too transcends counting. What then? Weariness, perhaps?
Or a clutter of details signifying the same thing? Or a mass of grey
without that spot of gleam which makes parts brighter, greater, than the
whole? Or somewhat of all these?
He could rehearse the parts, if he desired. But it seemed more real to
let them gyre about at will--as they were doing. Clarice, business,
Adelaide and home--a friend looked for, an acquaintance had but not
cherished. The indefatigable past, limed with indifference lest it bring
nausea. Mother who clamped his ears when she was ineffectually fond. A
raise and praise from his employer. Two weeks in the mountains with
Lamory whom he had long since detested.... Whom else to go with? Two
weeks with himself was no vacation.... Here was such an hour--with
himself. And only the lying on his back, so that the two years slid over
him, made that hour possible! Two weeks--a thousand such hours? They
would have been unlivable! Lamory prevented the woods from speaking to
him. At least, since Lamory was there, he blamed Lamory. He was glad,
therefore, that Lamory had been there. Suppose he had been alone and the
woods had not spoken! Yet, there had been this very afternoon. Well--the
village had made noises behind his back. Can a pagan make love with a
Christian boy peeping through the curtains? Small wonder, the elm trees
and the clambering grass had remained silent. By the mercy of God, let
it not be that really, really, the woods were always, now, to be silent
to him! Quincy shivered in bed and prayed for that.
And his prayer broke away in the middle, to a waking dream. Clarice
walked by his side along a path of poplars and silver-birch that was
familiar.
“Quincy,” she said, “why don’t you tell me that you love me?”
“Why--do you love me, Clarice?”
He recalled the day when the sun had been a tiny golden pool in a grey
firmament and he had kissed her. Now, he kissed her again. He was very
happy, somehow, to recall the earlier occasion. And this angered him.
His prayer had broken. Now, also, broke his waking dream. He recalled
that he had been praying. It seemed strangely significant that he could
never sustain his prayers and dreams. Always, always, they straggled
into sleep--or into something else. They were the realest of things to
Quincy. Naturally, then, his other ways fared little better.
Once more, the two years, outweighing all within them.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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