But the pathos of the situation is not the opinion which is held of
him, for he is wholly unconscious of it, and he makes up for any lack
of expressed approbation by the earnest and admiring approval of all he
does, which he himself liberally supplies. It is rather a gnawing
hunger of the soul from which he seems to suffer; he has a simply
boundless appetite for the poor thing which he calls recognition--I
shudder to think how often I have heard the word on his lips--and his
own self-approbation is like a drug which he administers to still some
fretting pain.
He has been telling me to-night a long story of machinations against
him in the club; the perspicacity with which he detected them, the
odious repartees he made, the effective counter-checks he applied. "I
was always a combatant," he says, with a leering gaiety. Then the next
moment he is girding at the whole crew for their stupidity, their
ingratitude, their malignity; and it never seems to cross his mind that
he can be, or has been in the smallest degree, to blame. It distressed
me profoundly, and my mind and heart seemed to weep silent tears.
If he had shown tact, prudence, diligence, if he could have held his
tongue when he first took a different place, he would have had a circle
of many friends by now. Instead of this, I find him barely tolerated.
He talks--he has plenty of courage, and no idea of being put down--but
he is listened to with ill-concealed weariness, and, at best, with
polite indifference. Yet every now and then the old spell falls on me,
and I realise what a noble mind is overthrown. He ought to be at this
time the centre of a set of attached friends, a man spoken of with
reverence, believed in, revisited by grateful admirers--a man whom it
would be an honour and a delight to a young man to know; and the
setting in which he lives is precisely adapted to this role. Instead of
which it may safely be said that, if he were to announce his departure
from town, it would be received with general and cordial satisfaction
by his fellow-clubmen.
Even if he had not his circle, he might live a quiet, tranquil, and
laborious life in surroundings which are simple and yet dignified.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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