I have had the feeling of my disabilities brought home to me lately in
a special way. There is a boy in my house that I have tried hard to
make friends with. He is a big, overgrown creature, with a perfectly
simple manner. He has innumerable acquaintances in the school, but only
a very few friends. He is amiable with every one, but guards his heart.
He is ambitious in a quiet way, and fond of books, and, being brought
up in a cultivated home, he can talk more unaffectedly and with a more
genuine interest about books than any boy I have ever met. Well, I have
done my best, as I say, to make friends with him. I have lent him
books; I have tried to make him come and see me; I have talked my best
with him, and he has received it all with polite indifference; I can't
win his confidence, somehow. I feel that if I were only not in the
tutorial relation, it would be easy work. But perhaps I frightened him
as a little boy, perhaps I bored him; anyhow the advances are all on my
side, and there seems a hedge of shyness through which I cannot break.
Sometimes I have thought it is simply a case of "crabbed age and
youth," and that I can't put myself sufficiently in line with him. I
missed seeing him last night--he was out at some school festivity, and
this morning he has gone without a word or a sign. I have made friends
a hundred times with a tenth of the trouble, and I suppose it is just
because I find this child so difficult to approach that I fret myself
over the failure; and all the more because I know in my heart that he
is a really congenial nature, and that we do think the same about many
things. Of course, most sensible people would not care a brass farthing
about such an episode, and would succeed where I have failed, because I
think it is the forcing of attentions upon him that this proud young
person resents. I must try and comfort myself by thinking that my very
capacity for vexing myself over the business is probably the very thing
which makes it easy as a rule for me to succeed.
Well, I must turn to my books and my bicycle and my writing for
consolation, and to the blessed sense of freedom which luxuriates about
my tired brain. But books and art and the beauties of nature, I begin
to have a dark suspicion, are of the nature of melancholy consolations
for the truer stuff of life--for friendships and loves and dearer
things.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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