He continued to float away from the sun. It became impossible to pick
out Earth among the stars. The sun was smaller than he remembered.
There was nothing to be seen anywhere but stars and more stars and the
dwindling disk of the sun that used to rise and set but now remained
stationary, shrinking.
So Nikolai came to know emptiness. There were points of light which
were stars. They were illimitable distances away. In between was
emptiness. He had no sensation of movement. Save that as days went
by the sun grew smaller, there was no change in anything. All was
emptiness. If his vehicle floated like this for ten thousand times ten
thousand years, the stars would appear no nearer. If he got out and
ran upon nothingness to get back to where he could see Earth again, he
would have to run for centuries, and generations would die and nations
fall before he caught the least glimmer of that thin crescent which was
his home.
If he shouted, no man would ever hear, because emptiness does not
carry sound. If he died, there was no earth into which his body could
be lowered. If he lived, there was nowhere he could stand upright
and breathe clean air and feel solidity beneath his feet. He had a
destination, to be sure, but he did not really believe that he would
ever reach it, nor did he imagine he would ever return. Now he
dismissed it from his thoughts.
He found that he was feverish, and he mentioned it when the tinny
voices talked urgently to him. He guessed, without emotion, that he had
not passed through the deadly radiation-belts around Earth unburned.
He had been assured that he would pass through them so swiftly that
they would be quite harmless. Now he knew that this was a mistake. His
body obeyed him only sluggishly. He was dying of deep-seated radiation
burns. But he felt nothing.
Voices waked him to insist that he make contact with another
fuel-drone. He exhausted himself as he dutifully obeyed commands. He
was clumsy. He was feeble. But he managed a second refueling. And even
as he performed the highly technical operation with seemingly detached
and reluctant hands, he thought of a schoolteacher in Bessarabia.
Before he fired the new fuel which would send him onward at what
would be more than escape velocity, he almost humorously--yet quite
humorlessly--reviewed his life. He considered that he might have no
later opportunity to do so. There were three things he had done which
no man had done before him. He had loved a certain small canary, and
he remembered it distinctly. He had loved a certain girl, and in his
weakened and dying state he could see her much more clearly than the
grubby interior of the space-probe. And the third thing--
He had to cast about in his mind to remember what it was. His hand
poised upon the rocket-firing key, he debated. Ah, yes! The third thing
was that he had learned what emptiness was.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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