And if he had but been a convict lunatic, and had shot at the Queen, killed all his creditors to avoid paying them, or indulged in any other little amiable eccentricity of that kind, they would have given him in addition— The healthiest situation in England, on Easthampstead Plain. Free run of Windsor Forest. The _Times_ every morning. A double-barrelled gun and pointers, and leave to shoot three Wellington College boys a week (not more) in case black game was scarce. But as he was neither mad enough nor bad enough to be allowed such luxuries, they grew desperate, and fell into bad ways, viz.— 5. _Suffumigations of sulphur_. _Herrwiggius his_ “_Incomparable drink for madmen_:” Only they could not find out what it was. _Suffumigation of the liver of the fish_ * * * Only they had forgotten its name, so Dr. Gray could not well procure them a specimen. _Metallic tractors_. _Holloway’s Ointment_. _Electro-biology_. _Valentine Greatrakes his Stroking Cure_. _Spirit-rapping_. _Holloway’s Pills_. _Table-turning_. _Morison’s Pills_. _Homœopathy_. _Parr’s Life Pills_. _Mesmerism_. _Pure Bosh_. _Exorcisms_, _for which the read Maleus Maleficarum_, _Nideri Formicarium_, _Delrio_, _Wierus_, _etc._ But could not get one that mentioned water-babies. _Hydropathy_. _Madame Rachel’s Elixir of Youth_. _The Poughkeepsie Seer his Prophecies_. _The distilled liquor of addle eggs_. _Pyropathy_. As successfully employed by the old inquisitors to cure the malady of thought, and now by the Persian Mollahs to cure that of rheumatism. _Geopathy_, _or burying him_. _Atmopathy_, _or steaming him_. _Sympathy_, _after the method of Basil Valentine his Triumph of Antimony_, _and Kenelm Digby his Weapon-salve_, _which some call a hair of the dog that bit him_. _Hermopathy_, _or pouring mercury down his throat to move the animal spirits_. _Meteoropathy_, _or going up to the moon to look for his lost wits_, _as Ruggiero did for Orlando Furioso’s_: _only_, _having no hippogriff_, _they were forced to use a balloon_; _and_, _falling into the North Sea_, _were picked up by a Yarmouth herring-boat_, _and came home much the wiser_, _and all over scales_. _Antipathy_, _or using him like_ “_a man and a brother_.” _Apathy_, _or doing nothing at all_. _With all other ipathies and opathies which Noodle has invented_, _and Foodle tried_, _since black-fellows chipped flints at Abbéville_—_which is a considerable time ago_, _to judge by the Great Exhibition_. But nothing would do; for he screamed and cried all day for a water-baby, to come and drive away the monsters; and of course they did not try to find one, because they did not believe in them, and were thinking of nothing but Bumpsterhausen’s blue follicles; having, as usual, set the cart before the horse, and taken the effect for the cause.