For marriage with Charmian, and three months of intimate intercourse
with her, had not made Claude love her. He admired her appearance. He
felt, sometimes strongly, her physical attraction. Her slim charm did
not leave him unmoved. Often he felt obliged to respect her energy, her
vitality. But anything that is not love is far away from love. In
marrying Charmian, Claude had made a secret sacrifice on the altar of
honor. He had done "the decent thing." Impulse had driven him into a
mistake and he had "paid for it" like a man without a word of complaint
to anyone. He had hoped earnestly, almost angrily, that love would be
suddenly born out of marriage, that thus his mistake would be cancelled,
his right dealing rewarded beautifully.
It had not been so. So he walked in the vast solitude of secrecy. He had
become a fine humbug, he who by nature was rather drastically sincere.
And he knew not how to face the future with hope, seeing no outlet from
the cage into which he had walked. To-night, as Mrs. Mansfield spoke,
with that peculiar firm pressure, he thought: "Perhaps I shall find
salvation in work." If she had divined the secret he could never tell
her perhaps she had seen the only way out. The true worker, the worker
who is great, uses the troubles, the sorrows, even the great tragedies
of life as material, combines them in a whole that is precious, lays
them as balm, or as bitter tonic on the wounds of the world. And so all
things in his life work together for good.
"May it be so with me!" was Claude's silent prayer that night.
When their guests were gone, Charmian sat down on a very low chair
before the wood fire--she insisted on wood instead of coal--in the first
drawing-room.
"Don't let us go to bed for a few minutes yet, Claude," she said. "You
aren't sleepy, are you?"
"Not a bit."
He sat down on the chintz-covered sofa near her.
"It went off well, didn't it?"
She was looking into the fire. Her narrow, long-fingered hands were
clasped round her knees. She wore a pale yellow dress, and there was a
yellow band in her dark hair, which was arranged in such a way that it
looked, Claude thought, like a careless cloud, and which gave to her
face a sort of picturesquely tragic appearance.
"Yes, I think it did."
"They all liked you."
"I'm glad!"
"You make an excellent host, Claudie; you are so ready, so sympathetic!
You listen so well, and look as if you really cared, whether you do or
not. It's such a help to a man in his career to have a manner like
yours. But I remember noticing it the first time I ever met you in Max
Elliot's music-room. What a shame of Adelaide Shiffney not to come!"
Her voice had suddenly changed.
"Did you want Mrs. Shiffney to come so particularly?" Claude asked, not
without surprise.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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