American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
The rest of us, who were just boys, with no desire ever to be anything
else, endured the tyranny of compulsory oratory about a month, and then
resolved to abolish the whole business by a general revolt. Big and
little, we agreed to stand by each other, break up the new exercise, and
get back to the old order of things--the hurdle races in mental
arithmetic and the geographical chants which we could run and intone
together.
Was I a mutineer? Well, say, son, your Pa was a constituent conspirator.
He was in the color guard. You see, the first boy called on for a
declamation was to announce the strike, and as my name stood very
high--in the alphabetical roll of pupils--I had an excellent chance of
leading the assaulting column, a distinction for which I was not at all
ambitious, being a stripling of tender years, ruddy countenance, and
sensitive feelings. However, I stiffened the sinews of my soul, girded
on my armor by slipping an atlas back under my jacket and was ready for
the fray, feeling a little terrified shiver of delight as I thought that
the first lick Mr. Hinman gave me would make him think he had broken my
back.
The hour for "speakin' pieces," an hour big with fate, arrived on time.
A boy named Aby Abbott was called up ahead of me, but he happened to be
one of the presidential aspirants (he was mate on an Illinois river
steamboat, stern-wheeler at that, the last I knew of him), and of course
he flunked and "said" his piece--a sadly prophetic selection--"Mr.
President, it is natural for man to indulge in the illusions of hope."
We made such suggestive and threatening gestures at him, however, when
Mr. Hinman wasn't looking, that he forgot half his "piece," broke down
and cried. He also cried after school, a little more bitterly, and with
far better reason.
Then, after an awful pause, in which the conspirators could hear the
beating of each other's hearts, my name was called.
I sat still at my desk and said:
"I ain't goin' to speak no piece."
Mr. Hinman looked gently surprised and asked:
"Why not, Robert?"
I replied:
"Because there ain't goin' to be any more speakin' pieces."
The teacher's eyes grew round and big as he inquired:
"Who says there will not?"
I said, in slightly firmer tones, as I realized that the moment had come
for dragging the rest of the rebels into court:
"All of us boys!"
But Mr. Hinman smiled, and said quietly that he guessed there would be
"a little more speaking before the close of the session." Then laying
his hand on my shoulder, with most punctilious but chilling courtesy, he
invited me to the rostrum. The "rostrum" was twenty-five feet distant,
but I arrived there on schedule time and only touched my feet to the
floor twice on my way.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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