American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
"What, have you failed to trust me? Is it possible that you have lost
faith in me? Don't do that, John, for if you do it will be a never
failing source of regret. You don't seem to remember what my powers of
persuasion have accomplished in the past. When I was in the legislature,
chairman of the Committee on County and County Lines, what did my
protest do? It kept them from cutting off a ten-foot strip of this
county and adding it to Jefferson. You must remember those things,
John, for in the factors of persuasion lie the shaping of human life.
I've been riding in the hot sun and I think that a mint julep would hit
me now just about where I live. Say, there, Bill, bring us some mint,
sugar and whisky. And cold water, mind you."
"Ah," said old Gideon, sipping his scented drink, "virtue may become
wearisome, and we may gape during the most fervent prayer, but I gad,
John, there is always the freshness of youth in a mint julep. Pour just
a few more drops of liquor into mine, if you please--want it to rassle
me a trifle, you know. Recollect those come-all ye songs we used to
sing, going down the river? Remember the time I snatched the sword out
of my cane and lunged at a horse trader from Tennessee? Scoundrel
grabbed it and broke it off and it was all I could do to keep him from
establishing a close and intimate relationship with me. Great old days,
John; and I gad, they'll never come again."
"I remember it all, Gid, and it was along there that you fell in love
with a woman that lived at Mortimer's Bend."
"Easy, now, John. A trifle more liquor, if you please. Thank you. Yes, I
used to call her the wild plum. Sweet thing, and I had no idea that she
was married until her lout of a husband came down to the landing with a
double-barrel gun. Ah, Lord, if she had been single and worth money I
could have made her very happy. Fate hasn't always been my friend,
John."
"Possibly not, Gid, but you know that fate to be just should divide her
favors, and this time she leaned toward the woman."
"Slow, John. I gad, there's your wife."
A carriage drew up at the yard gate and a woman stepped out. She did not
go into the house, but seeing the Major, came toward him. She was tall,
with large black eyes and very gray hair. In her step was suggested the
pride of an old Kentucky family, belles, judges and generals. She smiled
at the Major and bowed stiffly at old Gid. The two men arose.
"Thank you, I don't care to sit down," she said. "Where is Louise?"
"I saw her down by the river just now," the Major answered.
"I wish to see her at once," said his wife.
"Shall I go and call her, madam?" Gid asked.
She gave him a look of surprise and answered: "No, I thank you."
"No trouble, I assure you," Gid persisted. "I am pleased to say that age
has not affected my voice, except to mellow it with more of reverence
when I address the wife of a noble man and the mother of a charming
girl."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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