"Let be! Let be! I must read those old lines once more--it may be for the last time." And now a solemn hush fell upon the vast audience as a sad-faced minstrel uttered in tear-compelling accents the most pathetic words in all the literature of minstrelsy: "And so you say, Mr. Johnson, that all the people on the ship were perishing of hunger, and yet you were eating fried eggs. How do you account for that?" For one moment a deathlike silence prevailed. Then the Old Gag stepped forward and in clear, ringing tones replied: "The ship lay to, and I got one." A wild, heartrending sob came from the audience and relieved the tension as the Old Gag staggered back into the entrance and fell into the friendly arms that were waiting to receive him. Sobbing Conundrums bore him to a couch in the dressing-room. Weeping Jokes strove in vain to bring back the spark of life to his inanimate form. But all to no avail. The Old Gag was dead. IN ELIZABETH'S DAY BY WALLACE RICE Who would not give the treasure Of very many lives If some kind fate would pleasure To let him be where Ben is A-playing Kit at tennis, Or playing Will at fives? The racquet ne'er so deftly Is turned, whoever strives, The ball flies ne'er so swiftly As thought and tongue where Ben is A-playing Kit at tennis, Or playing Will at fives. THE TWO AUTOMOBILISTS BY CAROLYN WELLS Once on a Time there were Two Young Men, each of whom Bought an Automobile. One Young Man, being of a Bold and Audacious nature, said: "I will make my Machine go so Fast that I will break all Previous Records." Accordingly, he did So, and he Flew through the Small Town like a Red Dragon Pursuing his Prey. Unheeding all Obstacles in his Mad Career, his Automobile ran into a Wall of Rock, and was dashed to Pieces. Also, the young Man was killed. The Other Young Man, being of a Timorous and Careful Disposition, started off with great Caution and Rode at a Slow Pace, pausing now and then, Lest he might Run into Something. The Result was, that Two Automobiles and an Ice Wagon ran into him from behind, spoiling his Car and Killing the Cautious Young Man. MORALS: This Fable teaches Us, The More Haste The Less Speed, and Delays Are Dangerous. THE NEW VERSION BY W.J. LAMPTON A soldier of the Russians Lay japanned at Tschrtzvkjskivitch, There was lack of woman's nursing And other comforts which Might add to his last moments And smooth the final way;-- But a comrade stood beside him To hear what he might say. The japanned Russian faltered As he took that comrade's hand, And he said: "I never more shall see My own my native land; Take a message and a token To some distant friends of mine, For I was born at Smnlxzrskgqrxzski, Fair Smnlxzrskgqrxzski on the Irkztrvzkimnov." SOUTHERN SKETCHES BY BILL ARP JIM ALLCORN