American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
"What am I to do?" I asked in agony of spirit. "I _must_ have a room."
_Must_ is an overpowering word. Only say _must_ with all the emphasis of
which it is capable, and longings are likely to be realized.
Well, the mild clerk didn't know but as how he might turn out and let me
have _his_ room.
Blessed man! Had I been pope, he should have been canonized on the spot.
Following him up several steep flights of stairs, lighted by a kerosene
lamp that perfumed the air as only kerosene can, I was at last ushered
into a room where sat a young girl knitting. She seemed to be no more
astonished at my appearance than were the chairs and table, merely
remarking, when we were left alone, "That's my father. I suppose you
won't have any objections to my staying here as long as I please." How
could I, an interloper, say "no" to the rightful proprietor of that
room? I smiled feebly, and the damsel pursued her knitting with her
fingers and me with her eyes, until everything in the room seemed to
turn into eyes. The frightful thought came o'er me that perhaps my
companion was "our own correspondent" for the "Daily Slasher!"--a
thought that sent my supper down the wrong way, deprived me of appetite,
and made me thankful that my back hair did not come off! The damsel sat
and sat, knitted and knitted, until she had superintended every
preparation, and then, like an Arab, silently stole away.
What next? Why, the committee called for me at the appointed hour,
seemed blandly ignorant of the fact that they had not done their whole
duty to woman, and maintained that walking was much better than driving.
The wind blew, dust sought shelter within the recesses of eyes and ears
and nose, but patient Griselda could not have behaved better than I. In
fact, a woman who lectures must endure quietly what a singer or actress
would stoutly protest against, for the reason that lecturing brings down
upon her the taunt of being "strong-minded," and any assertion of rights
or exhibition of temper is sure to be misconstrued into violent hatred
of men and an insane desire to be President of the United States. This
can hardly be called logic, but it _is_ truth. Logic is an unknown
quantity in the ordinary public estimation of women lecturers.
Inwardly cross and outwardly cold, I delivered my lecture, and went back
to that much-populated room, thinking that at least I should obtain a
few hours' sleep before starting off at "five o'clock in the
morning,"--a nice hour to sing about, but a horrible one at which to get
up. I approached the bed. Shade of that virtue which is next to
godliness! the linen was--was--yes, it was--second-hand! and calmly
reposing on a pillow of doubtful color, my startled vision beheld an
"... ugly, creepin', blastit wonner,
Detested, shunn'd, by saunt an' sinner."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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