In the Land of Steady Incomes, Where the cash is ready-made, No one ever thinks of going To the almoner for aid, For the coal-bin's never empty, And the Gray Wolf dare not lurk In the Land of Steady Incomes, Where the check-books do the work. In the Land of Steady Incomes, Where the watches all have fobs, You will see no haggard fathers Pleading, in despair, for jobs; You will hear no hungry children Crying, while their mothers pray, In the Land of Steady Incomes, Where there's dinner every day. In the Land of Steady Incomes, It is easy to forget All about that far-off country Where are hunger, cold, and debt; And the woes of other people It is easy to dismiss In the Land of Steady Incomes, Where inheritance is bliss. [Footnote 5: Lippincott's Magazine.] ASSAULT AND BATTERY BY JOSEPH G. BALDWIN A trial came off, not precisely in our bailiwick, but in the neighborhood, of great comic interest. It was really a case of a good deal of aggravation, and the defendants, fearing the result, employed four of the ablest lawyers practicing at the M. bar to defend them. The offense charged was only assault and battery; but the evidence showed a conspiracy to inflict great violence on the person of the prosecutor, who had done nothing to provoke it, and that the attempt to effect it was followed by severe injury to him. The prosecutor was an original. He had been an old-field school-master, and was as conceited and pedantic a fellow as could be found in a summer's day, even in that profession. It was thought the policy of the defense to make as light of the case as possible, and to cast as much ridicule on the affair as they could. J.E. and W.M. led the defense, and, although the talents of the former were rather adapted to grave discussion than pleasantry, he agreed to doff his heavy armor for the lighter weapons of wit and ridicule. M. was in his element. He was at all times and on all occasions at home when fun was to be raised: the difficulty with him was rather to restrain than to create mirth and laughter. The case was called and put to the jury. The witness, one Burwell Shines, was called for the prosecution. A broad grin was upon the faces of the counsel for the defense as he came forward. It was increased when the clerk said, "_Burrell_ Shines, come to the book;" and the witness, with deliberate emphasis, remarked, "My Christian name is not _Burrell_, but _Burwell_, though I am vulgarly denominated by the former epithet." "Well," said the clerk, "Bur-_well_ Shines, come to the book, and be sworn." He _was_ sworn, and directed to take the stand. He was a picture!