American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
"You needn't gasp like you was struck. I presume to say you'd do it
anyway without thinkin' it over well beforehand. I've allus planned and
thought things over for you till I don't know whether you'd be capable
of attendin' to that or not. And I'd go off a sight easier if I knew
'twas all settled satisfactory. I'd like to know who's goin' to keep my
house and wear my clothes and sun my bed quilts, and I could have her
come and learn my ways beforehand."
"Good gracious, Marthy! There's a limit to plannin'--and directin'--even
for as smart a woman as you be. You're not goin' to know whether
she'll--consent or not, not while--while you're here, yet. And you're
gittin' no worse; it does seem like you're gittin' better all the time.
Last time Aunt Lyddy was here she said you was lookin' better'n she ever
see you before. I told her you'd picked up in your appetite consid'able.
You'll git up yet and be my second wife yourself."
"Yes, Aunt Lyddy allus thinks great things 'bout me; she never would
believe how low I've ben, but I guess I know how I be. No, you can't
head me off that way, with the moths in my best things and one of my
grandmother's silver spoons missin'. If there's one thing a
forethoughtful woman ought to plan beforehand, it's to pick out the
woman who's to have her house and her things and her husband."
Andrew wriggled uncomfortably. "I shouldn't wonder if the dish water was
a-b'ilin', Marthy."
"No, it isn't. You haven't got fire enough. And we'd better settle this
matter while we're at it."
"Settle it! Why, Marthy, you talk 's if you wanted me to go 'n' git
married on the spot and bring my second wife home to you before--while
you're still here. I'm no Mormon. Like's not you've got her selected;
you're such a wonderful hand to settle things."
"I can't say 's I've got her selected--not the exact one--but I've ben
runnin' over several in my mind. We'd better have several to pick from,
and then if some refused you, we'd still have a chance."
"But how would you git any of 'em to consent?" asked Andrew with a show
of interest.
"How else but ask 'em? They would understand how I feel about you. The
hull town knows how I've laid here expectin' every day to be to-morrow,
and if I want that thing settled before I go, I don't see how it could
make talk."
"Now, who had you sorted out to pick from?" and Andrew leaned back
comfortably in his chair. His wife punched up her pillow to lift her
head higher.
"Well, there's the widows first. I've sorted them over and over till
I've got 'em down to four that ain't wasteful cooks nor got too many
relations. There's Widow Jackson--"
"She's weakly," promptly decided Andrew.
"And Mary Josephine Wilson--"
"She don't go to our church. What about the old maids?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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