In reality, I was half persuaded that these men were talking about two separate and distinct affairs altogether, inasmuch as no single circumstance mentioned by one was even remotely hinted at by the other. Mr. Alfred Sowerby was then called to the witness-stand, and testified as follows: "I was in the saloon at the time, your Honor, and I see this man Smith come up all of a sudden to Jones, who warn't saying a word, and split him in the snoot--" LAWYER.--"Did what, sir?" WITNESS.--"Busted him in the snoot." LAWYER.--"What do you mean by such language as that? When you say that the plaintiff suddenly approached the defendant, who was silent at the time, and 'busted him in the snoot,' do you mean that the plaintiff struck the defendant?" WITNESS.--"That's me--I'm swearing to that very circumstance--yes, your Honor, that was just the way of it. Now, for instance, as if you was Jones and I was Smith. Well, I comes up all of a sudden and says I to your Honor, says I, 'D--n your old tripe--'" (Suppressed laughter in the lobbies.) THE COURT.--"Order in the court! Witness, you will confine yourself to a plain statement of the facts in this case, and refrain from the embellishments of metaphor and allegory as far as possible." WITNESS.--(Considerably subdued.)--"I beg your Honor's pardon--I didn't mean to be so brash. Well, Smith comes up to Jones all of a sudden and mashed him in the bugle--" LAWYER.--"Stop! Witness, this kind of language will not do. I will ask you a plain question, and I require you to answer it simply, yes or no. Did--the--plaintiff--strike--the defendant? Did he strike him?" WITNESS.--"You bet your sweet life he did. Gad! he gave him a paster in the trumpet--" LAWYER.--"Take the witness! take the witness! take the witness! I have no further use for him." The lawyer on the other side said he would endeavor to worry along without more assistance from Mr. Sowerby, and the witness retired to a neighboring bench. Mr. McWilliamson was next called, and deposed as follows: "I was a-standing as close to Mr. Smith as I am to this pulpit, a-chaffing with one of the lager beer girls--Sophronia by name, being from summers in Germany, so she says, but as to that, I--" LAWYER.--"Well, now, never mind the nativity of the lager beer girl, but state, as concisely as possible, what you know of the assault and battery." WITNESS.--"Certainly--certainly. Well, German or no German,--which I'll take my oath I don't believe she is, being of a red-headed disposition, with long, bony fingers, and no more hankering after Limberger cheese than--" LAWYER.--"Stop that driveling nonsense and stick to the assault and battery. Go on with your story."