American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
Washington Billings, sworn, said: "I see the row, and it warn't in no
saloon--it was in the street. Both of 'em was drunk, and one was a
comin' up the street, and t'other was a goin' down. Both of 'em was
close to the houses when they fust see each other, and both of 'em made
their calculations to miss each other, but the second time they tacked
across the pavement--driftin'-like, diagonal--they come together, down
by curb--al-mighty soggy, they did--which staggered 'em a moment, and
then, over they went, into the gutter. Smith was up fust, and he made a
dive for a cobble and fell on Jones; Jones dug out and made a dive for a
cobble, and slipped his hold and jammed his head into Smith's stomach.
They each done that over again, twice more, just the same way. After
that, neither of 'em could get up any more, and so they just laid there
in the slush and clawed mud and cussed each other."
(On the cross-examination, the witness could not say whether the parties
continued the fight afterward in the saloon or not--he only knew they
began it in the gutter, and to the best of his knowledge and belief they
were too drunk to get into a saloon, and too drunk to stay in it after
they got there if there were any orifice about it that they could fall
out again. As to weapons, he saw none used except the cobble-stones, and
to the best of his knowledge and belief they missed fire every time
while he was present.)
Jeremiah Driscoll came forward, was sworn, and testified as follows:--"I
saw the fight, your Honor, and it wasn't in a saloon, nor in the street,
nor in a hotel, nor in--"
THE COURT.--"Was it in the city and county of San Francisco!"
WITNESS.--"Yes, your Honor, I--I think it was."
THE COURT.--"Well, then, go on."
WITNESS.--"It was up in the Square. Jones meets Smith, and they both go
at it--that is, blackguarding each other. One called the other a thief,
and the other said he was a liar, and then they got to swearing
backwards and forwards pretty generally, as you might say, and finally
one struck the other over the head with a cane, and then they closed and
fell, and after that they made such a dust and the gravel flew so thick
that I couldn't rightly tell which was getting the best of it. When it
cleared away, one of them was after the other with a pine bench, and the
other was prospecting for rocks, and--"
LAWYER.--"There, there, there--that will do--that--will--do! How in the
world is any one to make head or tail out of such a string of nonsense
as that? Who struck the first blow?"
WITNESS.--"I can not rightly say, sir, but I think--"
LAWYER.--"You think!--don't you know?"
WITNESS.--"No, sir, it was all so sudden, and--"
LAWYER.--"Well, then, state, if you can, who struck the last."
WITNESS.--"I can't, sir, because--"
LAWYER.--"Because what?"
WITNESS.--"Because, sir, you see toward the last they clinched and went
down, and got to kicking up the gravel again, and--"
LAWYER.--(Resignedly)--"Take the witness--take the witness."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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