American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
Mrs. Baldwin, passing down the shabby front steps, might have seen the
two men approaching, one with an armful of books and the other with a
potted plant; but she apparently did not recognize them, for she stepped
into her carriage without a sign. The visit seemed to have left a
pleasant memory with her, however; her bland serenity, as she drove
away, was not unlike that of the cat which has just swallowed the
canary.
FALL STYLES IN FACES[5]
BY WALLACE IRWIN
Faces this Fall will lead the styles
More than in former years
With something very neat in smiles
Well trimmed with eyes and ears.
The Gayer Set, so rumor hints,
Will have their noses made
In all the famous Highball Tints--
A bright carnation shade.
For morning wear in club and lobby,
The Dark Brown Taste will be the hobby.
In Wall Street they will wear a gaze
To match the paving-stones.
(This kind, Miss Ida Tarbell says,
John Rockefeller owns.)
Loud mouths, sharp glances, furtive looks
Will be displayed upon
The faces of the best-groomed crooks
Convened in Washington.
Among the Saints of doubtful morals
Some will wear halos, others laurels.
Checkered careers will be displayed
On faces neatly lined,
And vanity will still parade
In smirks--the cheaper kind.
Chins will appear in Utah's zone
Adorned with lace-like frizzes,
And something striking will be shown
In union-labor phizzes.
The gentry who have done the races
Show something new in Poker Faces.
Cheek will supplant Stiff Upper Lips
And take the place of Chin;
The waiters will wear ostrich tips
When tipping days begin.
The Wilhelm Moustache, curled with scorn,
Will show the jaw beneath,
And the Roosevelt Smile will still be worn
Cut wide around the teeth.
If Frenzied Finance waxes stronger
Stocks will be "short" and faces longer.
But if you have a well-made face
That's durable and firm,
Its features you need not replace--
'Twill wear another term.
Two eyes, a nose, a pair of ears,
A chin that's clean and strong
Will serve their owner many years
And never go far wrong.
But if your face is shoddy, Brother,
Run to the store and buy another!
FOOTNOTES:
[5] From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin. Copyright, 1905,
by Fox, Duffield & Co.
HAD A SET OF DOUBLE TEETH
BY HOLMAN F. DAY
Oh, listen while I tell you a truthful little tale
Of a man whose teeth were double all the solid way around;
He could jest as slick as preachin' bite in two a shingle-nail,
Or squonch a molded bullet, sah, and ev'ry tooth was sound.
I've seen him lift a keg of pork, a-bitin' on the chine,
And he'd clench a rope and hang there like a puppy to a root;
And a feller he could pull and twitch and yank up on the line,
But he couldn't do no business with that double-toothed galoot.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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