_1st Footman._ You promised to begin. _Mr. H._ They have something to say to me. The rascals want their wages raised, I suppose; there is always a favor to be asked when they come smiling. Well, poor rogues, service is but a hard bargain at the best. I think I must not be close with them. Well, David--well, Jonathan. _1st Footman._ We have served your honor faithfully-- _2d Footman._ Hope your honor won't take offence-- _Mr. H._ The old story, I suppose--wages? _1st Footman._ That's not it, your honor. _2d Footman._ You speak. _1st Footman._ But if your honor would just be pleased to-- _2d Footman._ Only be pleased to-- _Mr. H._ Be quick with what you have to say, for I am in haste. _1st Footman._ Just to-- _2d Footman._ Let us know who it is-- _1st Footman._ Who it is we have the honor to serve. _Mr. H._ Why me, me, me; you serve me. _2d Footman._ Yes, Sir; but we do not know who you are. _Mr. H._ Childish curiosity! do not you serve a rich master, a gay master, an indulgent master? _1st Footman._ Ah, Sir! the figure you make is to us, your poor servants, the principal mortification. _2d Footman._ When we get over a pot at the publichouse, or in a gentleman's kitchen, or elsewhere, as poor servants must have their pleasures--when the question goes round, who is your master? and who do you serve? and one says, I serve Lord So-and-so, and another, I am Squire Such-a-one's footman-- _1st Footman_. We have nothing to say for it, but that we serve Mr. H. _2d Footman_. Or Squire H. _Mr. H_. Really you are a couple of pretty modest, reasonable personages! but I hope you will take it as no offence, gentlemen, if, upon a dispassionate review of all that you have said, I think fit not to tell you any more of my name, than I have chosen for especial purposes to communicate to the rest of the world. _1st Footman_. Why, then, Sir, you may suit yourself. _2d Footman_. We tell you plainly, we cannot stay. _1st Footman_. We don't choose to serve Mr. H. _2d Footman_. Nor any Mr. or Squire in the alphabet-- _1st Footman_. That lives in Chris-cross Row. _Mr. H_. Go, for a couple of ungrateful, inquisitive, senseless rascals! Go; hang, starve, or drown!--Rogues, to speak thus irreverently of the alphabet--I shall live to see you glad to serve old Q--to curl the wig of great S--adjust the dot of little i--stand behind the chair of X, Y, Z--wear the livery of Etcætera--and ride behind the sulky of And-by-itself-and! [_Exit in a rage_. ACT II. SCENE.--_A handsome Apartment well lighted, Tea, Cards, &c.--A large party of Ladies and Gentlemen; among them MELESINDA._ _1st Lady_. I wonder when the charming man will be here. _2d Lady_. He is a delightful creature. Such a polish-- _3d Lady_. Such an air in all that he does or says-- _4th Lady_. Yet gifted with a strong understanding-- _5th Lady_. But has your ladyship the remotest idea of what his true name is?