"'We remained facing each other--my lover and I--crushed, unable to utter a word. I sank down on an armchair, and I felt a desire, a vague, powerful desire to fly, to go out into the night, and to disappear for ever. Then, convulsive sobs rose up in my throat, and I wept, shaken with spasms, with my heart torn asunder, all my nerves writhing with the horrible sensation of an irremediable misfortune, and with that dreadful sense of shame which, in such moments as this, falls on a mother's heart. "'He looked at me in a scared fashion, not venturing to approach me or to speak to me or to touch me, for fear of the boy's return. At last he said: "'"I am going to follow him--to talk to him--to explain matters to him. In short, I must see him and let him know--" "'And he hurried away. "'I waited--I waited in a distracted frame of mind, trembling at the least sound, convulsed with terror, and filled with some unutterably strange and intolerable emotion by every slight crackling of the fire in the grate. "'I waited for an hour, for two hours, feeling my heart swell with a dread I had never before experienced, such an anguish that I would not wish the greatest of criminals to have ten minutes of such misery. Where was my son? What was he doing? "'About midnight, a messenger brought me a note from my lover. I still know its contents by heart: "'"Has your son returned? I did not find him. I am down here. I do not want to go up at this hour." "'I wrote in pencil on the same slip of paper: "'"Jean has not returned. You must go and find him." "'And I remained all night in the armchair, waiting for him. "'I felt as if I were going mad. I longed to have to run wildly about, to roll myself on the ground. And yet I did not even stir, but kept waiting hour after hour. What was going to happen? I tried to imagine, to guess. But I could form no conception, in spite of my efforts, in spite of the tortures of my soul! "'And now my apprehension was lest they might meet. What would they do in that case? What would my son do? My mind was lacerated by fearful doubts, by terrible suppositions. "'You understand what I mean, do you not, monsieur? "'My chambermaid, who knew nothing, who understood nothing, was coming in every moment, believing, naturally, that I had lost my reason. I sent her away with a word or a movement of the hand. She went for the doctor, who found me in the throes of a nervous fit. "'I was put to bed. I got an attack of brain-fever. "'When I regained consciousness, after a long illness, I saw beside my bed my--lover--alone. "'I exclaimed: "'"My son? Where is my son?" "'He replied: "'"No, no, I assure you every effort has been made by me to find him, but I have failed!" "'Then, becoming suddenly exasperated and even indignant--for women are subject to such outbursts of unaccountable and unreasoning anger--I said: "'"I forbid you to come near me or to see me again unless you find him. Go away!" "'He did go away.