I cured _Aureng-Zebe_, the old mogul, of an _epilepsia fanatica_, with which he was afflicted to that degree, that patents were dispatch’d, and persons named to go ambassadors extraordinary to _William Pen_, _George Whitehead_, _William Mede_; the _Philadelphians_, _Cameronians_, _Jesuits_, and _Jacobian Whiskerites_, for a communication of diseases and remedies; but by my cephalick snuff and tincture, I made him as clear headed a rake as ever got drunk with classics at the university, or expounded _Horace_ in _Will_’s coffee-house; and messengers were sent thro’ all his empire to get him _Dutry_, _Bung_, _Satyrion_, _Cantharides_, _Whores_, and _Schyraz wine_; and if he has since fallen down to his _Alcoran_ and the flat effects of ninety seven years of age, blame his damn’d courtiers and not me, that instead of nicking the nice operation of the medicine, let in books and priests, to debauch his understanding. I cured the _Mahometan_ predestinarian _Sultan_ of the great _East India_ island _Borneo_, of want of blood, by counselling him to follow his inclinations and bathe in it, that he might restore himself by spight and percolation; but vexations from his _Divan_, the neighbour emperor of _China_, a saucy young jackanapes, and a sorrel hair’d female gave him such jolts, that quite spoil’d the continuance of the noblest cure in the world. _Peter Alexowitz_, present czar of _Muscovy_, fell ill of a _Calenture_ in _London_, occasion’d by putting too great a quantity of gun-powder into his usquebaugh, and pepper into his brandy; all the topping doctors of the town were sent for, and apply’d their _Cortex_ and _Opium_ to no purpose. What should I do in this pinch, but order’d a hole to be made in the _Thames_ for him, as they do for the ducks in St. _James’s-Park_, it being then an excessive frost, sous’d him over head and ears morning and night, and by this noble experiment not only recovered him, but likewise gave a hint to the setting up of a cold-bath near Sir _John Oldcastle_’s which has done such miracles since. I cured a noble peer, aged sixty seven, of a perpetual priapism, so that now his pimping valets, and footmen, his bawds, spirit of _Clary_, and a maidenhead of fourteen can hardly raise him, who before was scarce to be trusted with his own family; nay, his own wife: and now he’s as continent and virtuous a statesman as ever lin’d his inward letchery with outward gravity.