_First of all_, I affirm, assert and maintain, that there is no such thing as a widow in the universe; and thus I prove it. A _widow_ is one that laments and grieves for the loss of her husband; but how can you or any man in _London_ know that a woman really grieves? for shedding of tears, and wearing of crape, are not sure signs of grief; consequently then how can you be sure there is any such thing as a widow? And if so, are not you an insufferable coxcomb to palm a widow upon a stranger, that never did you any harm? Well, but suppose it were possible for a man to know that a woman really grieves for the loss of her husband, which proposition, let me tell you, _Heroboord Burgersdicius_, and the whole stream of the _Dutch_ commentators and _Peleponnesian_ divines positively deny; how shall we be able to find out this monster, and tell where the place of her abode is? Why, say you, she lives at the sign of the _Griffin_ and _Red Lion_ in _Shoe-lane_? Bless us! what a sad thing it is to be troubled with a distemper’d brain! _Imprimis_, a _Griffin_ is a new _ens rationis_, only devis’d by the imagination, and is no where to be found, no not in the deserts of _Arabia_, or the vast forests of _Afric_; altho’ _Afric_, Sir, ever since the time of _Eratosthenes_ and _Strabo_, has been said continually to produce some new monster: and as for a _Red Lion_, I defy you and all the attornies in the kingdom to shew me one. _Theophrastus_, _Ælian_, _Dionysius_, _Harmogistus de miraculis_, _Perogunius de brutis_, _Philopemen junior de robusta natura_, and a hundred more of worth and credit, whom I have read, and you never heard nam’d, either in _Westminster-hall_, or _Westminster-abbey_. But since these are pagan authors, it may be you will pretend they ought to have no weight with a christian, and I know you will be damn’d before you will allow of any thing against your own mammon; therefore I shall proceed to give you more modern accounts of what has been remark’d in the most natural places for to expect monsters in, and yet the devil of a _Red Lion_ do they mention. _Don Gonsales_ gives us a particular of all the wonders, miracles and strange things in the habitable part of the moon; _Mandevil_’s _Travels_, _Piuto_’s and _de la Val_’s, the most fabulous of the poets, the most lying pilgrims and extravagant historians, never dar’d to have the impudence to impose so much upon mankind as to assert the being of a _Red Lion_. Now if human reason, experience in so many places, and no proof any where can have place, as it ought to do with a lawyer, I hope here are enough to convince you of your error; but if nothing under ocular demonstration will satisfy you, and you are not at leisure to turn over so many volumes, let me request you, worthy Sir, to take a step to the tower, and if you don’t find what I say to be true, I promise you here under my hand to give you a hundred pounds, _bonæ & legalis monetæ Angliæ_, the next time I meet you.