Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future. Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt _B――――s_, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching on _John i. 11, 12_. _He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God._ O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God. Sunday 25. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ made a sweet Discourse on _Acts xvi. 30_. _Sirs, what must I do to be saved?_ Indeed I thought I had power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite. Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within me. O for power to resist and overcome! Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which I have been so much beset, blessed be God. Sunday, _June 1_. This morning my soul was in a measure blest while Mr. _R――――s_ was shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, from _Hosea xiii. 9_. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust with some importunity.