And when I speak My voice is weak, But hers--she makes a gong of it! For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! [Illustration: RUNNING COUNTER.] She has, in brief, Command in Chief, And I’m but Aide-de-camp of it; For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! She gives to me The weakest tea, And takes the whole Souchong of it; For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! [Illustration: LONG COMMONS AND SHORT COMMONS.] She’ll sometimes grip My buggy whip, And make me feel the thong of it! For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! Against my life She’ll take a knife, Or fork, and dart the prong of it; For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! I sometimes think I’ll take to drink, And hector when I’m strong of it; For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! O, if the bell Would ring her knell, I’d make a gay ding-dong of it; For I am small, And she is tall, And that’s the short and long of it! [Illustration: “Man wants but little here below, Nor wants that little long.” ] [Illustration: PROTECTING THE FARE.] THE DUEL. A SERIOUS BALLAD. “Like the two Kings of Brentford smelling at one nosegay.” In Brentford town of old renown, There lived a Mister Bray, Who fell in love with Lucy Bell, And so did Mr. Clay. To see her ride from Hammersmith, By all it was allow’d, Such fair outsides are seldom seen, Such Angels on a Cloud. Said Mr. Bray to Mr. Clay, You choose to rival me, And court Miss Bell, but there your court No thoroughfare shall be. Unless you now give up your suit, You may repent your love; I who have shot a pigeon match, Can shoot a turtle dove. So pray before you woo her more, Consider what you do; If you pop aught to Lucy Bell,-- I’ll pop it into you. Said Mr. Clay to Mr. Bray, Your threats I quite explode; One who has been a volunteer, Knows how to prime and load. And so I say to you unless Your passion quiet keeps, I who have shot and hit bulls’ eyes, May chance to hit a sheep’s. Now gold is oft for silver changed, And that for copper red; But these two went away to give Each other change for lead. But first they sought a friend a-piece, This pleasant thought to give-- When they were dead, they thus should have Two seconds still to live.