O why did I at Brazen-Nose Rout up the roots of knowledge? A butcher that can’t read will kill A pig that’s been to college! For sorrow I could stick myself, But conscience is a clasher; A thing that would be rash in man, In me would be a rasher! One thing I ask when I am dead, And past the Stygian ditches-- And that is, let my schoolmaster Have one of my two flitches: ’Twas he who taught my letters so I ne’er mistook or miss’d ’em, Simply by _ringing_ at the nose, According to _Bell’s_ system. [Illustration: THE LEARNED PIG GROWN OUT OF KNOWLEDGE.] TO A BAD RIDER. I. WHY, Mr. Rider, why Your nag so ill indorse, man? To make observers cry, You’re mounted, but no horseman? II. With elbows out so far, This thought you can’t debar me-- Though no Dragoon-- Hussar-- You’re surely of the army! III. I hope to turn M.P. You have not any notion, So awkward you would be At “seconding a motion!” [Illustration: OUT AT ELBOWS.] MY SON AND HEIR. I. MY mother bids me bind my heir, But not the trade where I should bind; To place a boy--the how and where-- It is the plague of parent-kind! II. She does not hint the slightest plan, Nor what indentures to endorse; Whether to bind him to a man,-- Or, like Mazeppa, to a horse. [Illustration: SON AND HAIR.] III. What line to choose of likely rise, To something in the Stocks at last,-- “Fast bind, fast find,” the proverb cries, I find I cannot bind so fast! IV. A Statesman James can never be; A Tailor?--there I only learn His chief concern is cloth, and he Is always cutting his concern. V. A Seedsman?--I’d not have him so; A Grocer’s plum might disappoint; A Butcher?--no, not that--although I hear “the times are out of joint!” VI. Too many of all trades there be, Like Pedlars, each has such a pack, A merchant selling coals?--we see The buyer send to cellar back. VII. A Hardware dealer?--that might please, But if his trade’s foundation leans On spikes and nails, he won’t have ease When he retires upon his means. VIII. A Soldier?--there he has not nerves A Sailor seldom lays up pelf: A Baker?--no, a baker serves His customer before himself. IX. Dresser of hair?--that’s not the sort; A joiner jars with his desire-- A Churchman?--James is very short, And cannot to a church aspire. X. A Lawyer?--that’s a hardish term! A Publisher might give him ease, If he could into Longman’s firm Just plunge at once “in medias Rees.” XI. A shop for pot, and pan, and cup, Such brittle Stock I can’t advise; A Builder running houses up, Their gains are stories--may be lies! XII.