Christian fiction; Wingfold, Thomas (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
“I am getting so stupid, Mr. Polwarth!” he said once. “It troubles me
much. I don’t seem to care for anything now. I don’t want to hear the
New Testament: I would rather hear a child’s story--something that did
not want thinking about. If I am not coughing, I am content. I could lie
for hours and hours and never think more than what goes creeping through
my mind no faster than a canal in Holland. When I am coughing,--I don’t
think about anything then either--only long for the fit to be over and
let me back again into Sleepy Hollow. All my past life seems to be gone
from me. I don’t care about it. Even my crime looks like something done
ages ago. I know it is mine, and I would rather it were not mine, but
it is as if a great cloud had come and swept away the world in which it
took place. I am afraid sometimes that I am beginning not to care even
about that. I say to myself, I shall be sorry again by and by, but I
can’t think about it now. I feel as if I had handed it over to God to
lay down where I should find it again when I was able to think and be
sorry.”
This was a long utterance for him to make, but he had spoken slowly, and
with frequent pauses. Polwarth did not speak once, feeling that a dying
man must be allowed to ease his mind after his own fashion, and take as
much time to it as he pleased. Helen and Wingfold both would have told
him he must not tire himself, but that Polwarth never did. The dying
should not have their utterances checked, or the feeling of not having
finished forced upon them. They will always have plenty of the feeling
without that.
A fit of coughing compelled him to break off, and when it was over, he
lay panting and weary, but with his large eyes questioning the face of
Polwarth. Then the little man spoke.
“He must give us every sort of opportunity for trusting him,” he said.
“The one he now gives you, is this dulness that has come over you. Trust
him through it, submitting to it and yet trusting against it, and you
get the good of it. In your present state perhaps you cannot even try
to bring about by force of will any better state of feeling or higher
intellectual condition; but you can say to God something like this:
‘See, Lord, I am dull and stupid, and care for nothing: take thou care
of everything for me, heart and mind and all. I leave all to thee. Wilt
thou not at length draw me out of this my frozen wintery state? Let me
not shrink from fresh life and thought and duty, or be unready to come
out of the shell of my sickness when thou sendest for me. I wait thy
will. I wait even the light that I feel now as if I dared not encounter
for weariness of body and faintness of spirit.’”
“Ah!” cried Leopold, “there you have touched it! How can you know so
well what I feel?”
“Because I have often had to fight hard to keep death to his own
province, and not let him cross over into my spirit.”
“Alas! I am not fighting at all; I am only letting things go.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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