How well I remember my reasoning and behavior on that day. My gerbil would never have known why I was treating him in such a mean fashion; gerbils are naturally active, and not desiring to be held, it bit my finger in agitation. Realizing this, yet still frustrated, I decided to put some water in the tub, measuring three inches at the deepest slant, and put my gerbil on the tub's edge, knowing full well that the chance of his sliding into the slippery interior was almost certain; thus, I could take advantage of a sadistic need without actually pushing him in the tub or hurting him. As I watched his progress to assure that he was in no danger, it was apparent that he disliked his situation entirely, for he found the highest spot immediately and remained there, propped on his hind legs, craning his head for a way up to more hospitable surroundings. After the time had elapsed, I lowered my hand into the tub and he gratefully climbed into it; I then raised him up and gently dried him on a towel. I knew that I liked the feeling I encountered as my pet jumped into my cupped hands... he sought my hands, and my offering of care, whereas the previous day, he repelled my affections. It was the childish need to possess something's love; if I made certain that the quality of his atmosphere was poor, he would seek out my rescuing presence. No matter how insignificant my action might seem in comparison to the cruel attacks waged upon some pets, I feel ashamed that I ever needed to boost my security through such unfavorable means. Any mistreatment is unfortunate, but perhaps it is most unfortunate for that which it reveals about the human who lacks the ability to resist it. Because I spent so much time alone, I was highly aware of my opposing desires, and the fact that I was ill augmented each in its own way. During nausea I wanted no one to flutter nearby; vomiting was a degrading sort of function for which I needed no help (as it was essentially involuntary) and desired no spectators. At times I would not throw up until I was certain that everyone was beyond earshot. However, in the aftermath of a vicious siege or a miserable day, I welcomed parental affection, and on occasion, sought their nurturing touch. This latter trait proved to myself that I was not yet as self-sufficient as I would have liked to be; I needed mom and dad for more than food and lodging purposes, for part of me was still very much a little child and that fact would not disappear through false rationalization on my behalf. Although the child that I saw within myself I sometimes despised, having at least fostered selfish ideas if I had not also allowed myself to act upon the childish whims, I was glad to be able to revert to that being in times of physical weakness; perhaps, however, one never outgrows the need for a reassuring hug, and gentle words.