I speculated as to whether or not I would witness the spring-time again, and could not help but question absently if my 20th birthday would prove to be my last. I was unable to release myself from the thought of my impending death; I wasn't simply Lauren Isaacson. I was "Lauren Isaacson, victim of cancer." I identified myself with the disease and found my thoughts encompassing various subjects with cancer continually in the back of my mind. I never denied the presence of the disease, nor did I wish it on someone else, and perhaps this is what allowed me to bridge a period of gray disillusionment so common in the acceptance of solemn news; I would much rather face a heart-rending truth than to live amid a cloud of fantasy derived of the mind. Tumors have no conscience, and no amount of wishing, cursing, or bribery will cause the disease to disappear. These mind-games will one day come to an abrupt, emotionally wrenching halt or lead to personality disturbances if not corrected; such reactions only injure the individual or those with whom he must associate. In coping with a weighty truth of such magnitude, the family as well as the patient, will experience various and ever-changing emotions, and I believe it is quite important that these feelings are ventilated. Simply because the family is not afflicted with the illness does not mean that the individuals are immune to its emotional nuances. In fact, the family is sometimes the worse off; they essentially feel helpless, unable to ease physical pain or shield their loved one from his frightful pursuer. When the family is able to openly converse on the topic of the patient's illness and imminent death, the entire affair seems less formidable, rather like a beam which is directed upon the unlit recesses of a room, thereby dispelling the uncertainties which lay dormant in the darkness. Because there are manifold reactions to adversity, related conversation will evolve at varying rates. While some people would be ready to speak candidly after a brief time, others need to ingest the situation gradually and should not be pressed into heavy conversation directly following a shock. Moreover, there exists in most humans the great need to face life's circumstances with dignity and composure and would not, therefore, relish a serious discussion until they could do so without losing control of their emotions and causing a tearful scene. Although it is unhealthy to continually dwell on the plight of the family, silence is debilitating. . . especially if it evolves through avoidance of the problem, rather than simply the inability to verbalize one's thoughts. True coping deals with self-expression, not the clever avoidance thereof. One should never attempt to stifle grief, for to do so will create unendurable stress; and what, I might add, is so terrible about venting one's sorrow in the form of tears, when the situation certainly merits that behavior?