I was alive, housing an alien growth, indeed nurturing it, so that it may fulfill its purpose. To try to impede its fixed intent seemed futile; cancer desired to squeeze life from my body many years ago... and now it truly appeared that it would succeed. Thus, almost pleased with the belief that my life had found its rut, from which it could not be removed, I wanted to live in a manner conducive to good spirits. No one, I thought, would interfere with my peace. PAGE 225 Chapter 27 Frustrations ". . . I did not want to exist on a roller coaster, constantly grasping an inflated balloon of hope for each successive "cure" . . ." CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN Frustrations Returning to college was difficult, as it prompted numerous explanations as to the cause of my absence. I was honest, relating my situation as gently as the English vocabulary allowed. I wished no pity, simply the same cordiality which before had greeted my entry into the room, and happily this I did receive. Yet more than this, I found within many eyes a deep incredulousness, as if they were simultaneously amazed and frightened that such a horrid disorder had pounced so near to their own lives. Their faces proclaimed "it cannot be!" while they tried desperately to transform my words into a statement which they found reasonable and within their capacity to understand. How could such a thing happen to someone "so young." One particularly agreeable friend wasted no time in asserting that I would follow a plan consisting of health food and soon find myself "detoxified" and on my way to full recovery. Dubious, and rather self-protective, I hesitantly agreed to accompany her to the local natural food store to see if the owner knew of any promising, no-fail treatments for cancer. Once there I was shown a variety of self-cures, ranging from herbal diets, to drinking carrot juice and exorbitantly priced tea. I failed to see how such measures could possibly help, for if they did, would not everyone with cancer be flooding into the store, rather than laying bedridden in a hospital ward? I looked around at the people. They appeared to be ill. Carrot juice drinkers, I presumed! At any rate, water infused with plain tea sounded more appealing to me, and my friend and I sat down at one of their tables to peruse several books on the subject of cancer.