"I am not a saint: I have never professed to be one. I am a man who allows himself to be carried away, and who often does not say all that he thinks and feels; not because he does not want to, but because he cannot, because it often happens that he exaggerates or is mistaken. In my actions it is still worse. I am altogether a weak man with vicious habits, who wishes to serve the God of truth, but who is constantly stumbling. If I am considered as a man who cannot be mistaken, then each of my mistakes must appear as a lie or a hypocrisy. But if I am regarded as a weak man, I appear then what I am in reality: a pitiable creature, yet sincere; who has constantly and with all his soul desired, and who still desires, to become a good man, a good servant of God." Thus he remained, tormented by remorse, pursued by the mute reproaches of disciples more energetic and less human than himself;[24] tortured by his weakness and indecision, torn between the love of his family and the love of God--until the day when a sudden fit of despair, and perhaps the fever which rises at the approach of death, drove him forth from the shelter of his house, out upon the roads, wandering, fleeing, knocking at the doors of a convent, then resuming his flight, and at last falling upon the way, in an obscure little village, never to rise again.[25] On his death-bed he wept, not for himself, but for the unhappy; and he said, in the midst of his sobs: "There are millions of human beings on earth who are suffering: why do you think only of me?" Then it came--it was Sunday, November 20, 1910, a little after six in the morning--the "deliverance," as he named it: "Death, blessed Death." [1] Letter to the Chinese, October, 1906. (_Further Letters_). [2] Tolstoy expressed a fear that this might happen in the above letter. [3] "It was hardly worth while to refuse military and police service only to revert to property, which is maintained only by those two services. Those who enter the service and profit by property act better than those who refuse all service and enjoy property." (Letter to the Doukhobors of Canada, 1899. _Further Letters_). [4] In the _Conversations with Teneromo_ there is a fine page dealing with "the wise Jew, who, immersed in this Book, has not seen the centuries crumble above his head, nor the peoples that appear and disappear from the face of the earth." [5] "To see the progress of Europe in the horrors of the modern State, the bloodstained State, and to wish to create a new _Judenstaat_ is an abominable sin." (_Ibid._) [6] _Appeal to Political Men,_ 1905. [7] In the appendix to _The Great Crime_ and in the French translation of _Advice to the Ruled_ is the appeal of a Japanese society for the _Re-establishment of the Liberty of the Earth._ [8] Letter to Paul Sabatier, November 7, 1906. (_Further Letters._) [9] Letters to Teneromo, June, 1882, and to a friend, November, 1901. (_Further Letters_.) [10] _War and Revolution._