“‘I saw before me the nicest little house you ever did see. There was all kinds of posies in front of it; its fence was as shiny as a set of false teeth; the grass was cut short and tidy. It weren’t painted too many colors. In fact, it was just right, and feelin’ poetic, I said aloud: “O happiness, here’s where thou hast planted thy stakes. Inside this small claim, with all its tips, spurs, angles and variations, there sure runs a pasture of high-grade, free millin’”--but I got no further, for from out that shell that looked so good to me there come a yell like as if a mounting-lion had switched his tail into a wolf-trap. A sound of breaking furniture come to my ears. Also, something as if a man was cussin’ from the very inside of his heart outward, and I gathered that a lady was either being beat by her husband, or else was beating her husband. Of course, in the former case, I was bound to interfere, not knowin’ the rules of married life. “‘I waved my right foot in the air and slipped the door off its hinges, and there appeared before me sich a scene as I never would suppose could appear before anybody in a house with posies in front of it, and vines crawling over it, and sich nice, clean winders. “‘The lady, who was a stout-built female something under six feet, had a little dark-complected man under the crook of her arm, and whilst she spanked him with the stove-lid she hollered “Help!” and “Murder!” That poor little--I mean to say, that scoundrel--had kicked over most of the truck that was movable, the cat and dog was gobblin’ what would have been breakfast if this unhappy dispute hadn’t come about, and they was growling and snapping and spitting, too. “‘There weren’t no peace about it. “‘Just as my eyes got used to this, the little man made a violent effort, caught the lady by one foot, and pushed. She lost her balance and fell agin the crockery-box. That lost its balance and fell on both of them. All I could see was two pair of feet. Nothing could be more painful than to see a lady covered with crockery and a large closet. “‘I got in front to straighten things up again, and the gentleman bit me in the leg. I called “Peace!” to him, but he didn’t care. Then I got the thing half-straightened up--you will notice by this lump under my right ear where the lady took me one with the stove-lid. [Illustration: “Don’t you dast touch my husband!” says she. Page 253] “‘I kept right on with the good work, and, although it seems onreasonable to the untutored, and yet absolutely necessary under the conditions, I put one foot on the lady and pulled as much as I could of the gent away from her. “‘Something whizzed over my head and took my brand-new Stetson right along with it into the fire that the upset cook-stove had started. My foot slipped on a piece of pertater, and I come down right in the middle of domestic bliss. The lady wrapped one hand in my hair, and hit me with the other fair hand that weighed about eight pounds.