Humorous stories; Ukridge, Stanley Featherstonehaugh (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
“Are you still managing the Battler?” I said, surprised at this
dogged perseverance. “I should have thought that after your last
two experiences you would have had about enough of it.”
“Oh, he means business this time! I’ve been talking to him like a
father.”
“How much does he get?”
“Twenty quid.”
“Twenty quid? Well, where does the colossal fortune come in? Your
share will only be a tenner.”
“No, my boy. You haven’t got on to my devilish shrewdness. I’m not
in on the purse at all this time. I’m the management.”
“The management?”
“Well, part of it. You remember Isaac O’Brien, the bookie I was
partner with till that chump Looney Coote smashed the business?
Izzy Previn is his real name. We’ve gone shares in this thing. Izzy
came down a week ago, hired the hall, and looked after the
advertising and so on; and I arrived with good old Billson this
afternoon. We’re giving him twenty quid, and the other fellow’s
getting another twenty; and all the rest of the cash Izzy and I
split on a fifty-fifty basis. Affluence, laddie! That’s what it
means. Affluence beyond the dreams of a Monte Cristo. Owing to this
Jones fellow the place is crowded, and every sportsman for miles
around will be there to-morrow at five bob a head, cheaper seats
two-and-six, and standing-room one shilling. Add lemonade and fried
fish privileges, and you have a proposition almost without parallel
in the annals of commerce. I couldn’t be more on velvet if they
gave me a sack and a shovel and let me loose in the Mint.”
I congratulated him in suitable terms.
“How is the Battler?” I asked.
“Trained to an ounce. Come and see him to-morrow morning.”
“I can’t come in the morning. I’ve got to go to this Jones meeting.”
“Oh, yes. Well, make it early in the afternoon, then. Don’t come
later than three, because he will be resting. We’re at Number
Seven, Caerleon Street. Ask for the Cap and Feathers public-house,
and turn sharp to the left.”
I was in a curiously uplifted mood on the following afternoon as
I set out to pay my respects to Mr. Billson. This was the first
time I had had occasion to attend one of these revival meetings,
and the effect it had had on me was to make me feel as if I had
been imbibing large quantities of champagne to the accompaniment
of a very loud orchestra. Even before the revivalist rose to speak,
the proceedings had had an effervescent quality singularly
unsettling to the sober mind, for the vast gathering had begun to
sing hymns directly they took their seats; and while the opinion
I had formed of the inhabitants of Llunindnno was not high, there
was no denying their vocal powers. There is something about a Welsh
voice when raised in song that no other voice seems to possess—a
creepy, heart-searching quality that gets right into a man’s inner
consciousness and stirs it up with a pole. And on top of this had
come Evan Jones’s address.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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