I thought of my mother, whom I loved so deeply and whom I had to watch
waste away beneath a horrible disease; of my brother, who full of the
promise of joy and happiness died in the flower of youth, without even
having put his lips to the cup of life. I thought of my dead nurse, my
childhood playmates, the friends that had striven and studied with me;
of all those, covered by the cold, dead, indifferent earth. I thought
of my turtle-dove, who not infrequently made his cooing bows to me,
instead of to his mate.—All have returned, dust unto dust.
I laughed aloud, and slid down into the water, but at the same moment I
caught hold of one of the willow-branches, hanging above the yellow
waves. As in a vision, I see the woman who has caused all my misery.
She hovers above the level of the water, luminous in the sunlight as
though she were transparent, with red flames about her head and neck.
She turns her face toward me and smiles.
* * * * *
I am back again, dripping, wet through, glowing with shame and fever.
The negress has delivered my letter; I am judged, lost, in the power of
a heartless, affronted woman.
Well, let her kill me. I am unable to do it myself, and yet I have no
wish to go on living.
As I walk around the house, she is standing in the gallery, leaning
over the railing. Her face is full in the light of the sun, and her
green eyes sparkle.
“Still alive?” she asked, without moving. I stood silent, with bowed
head.
“Give me back my poinard,” she continued. “It is of no use to you. You
haven’t even the courage to take your own life.”
“I have lost it,” I replied, trembling, shaken by chills.
She looked me over with a proud, scornful glance.
“I suppose you lost it in the Arno?” She shrugged her shoulders. “No
matter. Well, and why didn’t you leave?”
I mumbled something which neither she nor I myself could understand.
“Oh! you haven’t any money,” she cried. “Here!” With an indescribably
disdainful gesture she tossed me her purse.
I did not pick it up.
Both of us were silent for some time.
“You don’t want to leave then?”
“I can’t.”
* * * * *
Wanda drives in the Cascine without me, and goes to the theater without
me; she receives company, and the negress serves her. No one asks after
me. I stray about the garden, irresolutely, like an animal that has
lost its master.
Lying among the bushes, I watch a couple of sparrows, fighting over a
seed.
Suddenly I hear the swish of a woman’s dress.
Wanda approaches in a gown of dark silk, modestly closed up to the
neck; the Greek is with her. They are in an eager discussion, but I
cannot as yet understand a word of what they are saying. He stamps his
foot so that the gravel scatters about in all directions, and he lashes
the air with his riding whip. Wanda startles.
Is she afraid that he will strike her?
Have they gone that far?
He has left her, she calls him; he does not hear her, does not want to
hear her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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