_But a soldier's life is the life for me, And the foe shall ne'er alarm me, For you won't feel queer on "Drug-hole beer," What's called "three-thick" in the Army._ I asked them what my food would be. They said: "Your food? Oh, that's 'Meat,' 'jipper,' 'spuds' and 'rooti,' with occasional 'top-hats.'" They said I'd find coal-hugging quite a lively little job, Then they put me "on the timber" and they called me "Junior Swab." But when my work was over, after "tapping up" a bit, I'd take my own "square missus" out--you bet we made a hit. And when I had to go on guard she'd come there every day To see me marching down the street and hear the "fiddlers" play. Just to hear the "fiddlers" play. _So a soldier's life is the life for me, And the foe shall ne'er alarm me, As I slope my gun in Number One What's called "Long-Swabs" in the Army._ But now I understand them 'cause I know my way about, And comprehend the Sergeant's unintelligible shout; When he says: "Shooldare Hipe!" I know that he means: "Shoulder hup" So I'm never for "Small-dodgers" and I never got "Built-up." I'm not a mere "Jam-soldier," I've extended sure enough, And been made "Assistant-bully" so I help to cook the "Duff." I keep my kit and rifle clean, so's never to be rushed, And I've never been "done-tired" and I've never once been "pushed." No, I've never once been "pushed." _Then a soldier's life is the life for me, And the foe shall ne'er alarm me, And soon I shall be Corporal, What's called "Sauce-Jack" in the Army._ * * * * * GLEANINGS FROM GREAT MINDS. BY H. A. GWYNNE. "The horse is the natural enemy of Man: the horse is the only animal that will dash himself over a precipice to avoid the shadow of his own feed-bag."--_Kipling._ "All civilians must remain in their houses after eight o'clock at night."--_Hints on Housekeeping_ (by Lord Roberts). "Your Mounted Infantry--it is as much as they can do to keep their hats on."--_Albrecht_, captured Boer Artillerist. "I call the Cavalry the Oh, Lor! regiments. They ride up to a kopje and stare about till they are fired at, when they say, "Oh, Lor," and gallop off."--_Albrecht._ "I'd rather be a coward all my life than a corpse half a minute."--_Solomon_ (junior). * * * * * OUR PORTRAIT GALLERY. No. 3. DR. A. CONAN DOYLE. [Illustration: Dr. A. Conan Doyle.] The accompanying wood-cut is a portrait of the well-known author, Dr. A. Conan Doyle. The author of "Sherlock Holmes," who is so generously giving his time and whole-hearted attention to the sick and wounded, will, by the use of the "Holmesian method," be able to tell, without a moment's hesitation, at what period of his eventful life the photograph was taken, of which the accompanying block is a representation. * * * * * ANOTHER LETTER HOME. BY CAPTAIN CECIL LOWTHER.