Cambridge (England) -- Fiction; College teachers -- Fiction; English fiction -- 20th century; Marriage -- Fiction
almost young enough to be his daughter, in so passionate a way. He
wished he could have explained the whole to her, but he was too deeply
wounded in mind to confess to his aunt how impulsive he had been. He
had now no doubt that there was an understanding between Maud and
Guthrie. Everyone else seemed to think so; and when once the affair was
happily launched, he would enjoy a mournful triumph, he thought, by
explaining to Mrs. Graves how considerately he had behaved, and how
painful a dilemma Maud would have been placed in if he had declared his
passion. Maud would have blamed herself; she might easily, with her
anxious sense of responsibility, have persuaded herself into accepting
him as a lover; and then a life-long penance might have begun for her.
He had, at what a cost, saved Maud from the chance of such a mistake.
It was a sad tangle; but when Maud was happily married, he would
perhaps be able to explain to her why he had behaved as he had done;
and she would be grateful to him then. His restless and fevered
imagination traced emotional and dramatic scenes, in which his delicacy
would at last be revealed. He felt ashamed of himself for this
abandonment to sentiment, but he seemed to have lost control over the
emotional part of his mind, which continued to luxuriate in the
consciousness of his own self-effacement. He had indeed, he felt,
fallen low. But he continued to trace in his mind how each of the
actors in the little drama--Mr. Sandys, Jack, Guthrie himself, Maud,
Mrs. Graves--would each have reason to thank him for having held
himself aloof, and for sacrificing his own desires. There was comfort
in that thought; and for the first time in these miserable weeks he
felt a little glow of self-approval at the consciousness of his own
prudence and justice. The best thing, he now reflected, would be to
remove himself from the scene altogether for a time, and to return in
radiant benevolence, when the affair had settled itself: but Maud--and
then there came over him the thought of the girl, her sweetness, her
eager delight, her adorable frankness, her innocence, her desire to be
in affectionate relations with all who came within reach of her; and
the sense of his own foresight and benevolence was instantly and
entirely overwhelmed at the thought of what he had missed, and of what
he might have aspired to, if it had not been for just the wretched
obstacle of age and circumstance. A few years younger--if he had been
that, he could have followed the leading of his heart, and--he dared
think no more of what might have been possible.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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