On thundered the train, and yet another vision rose before Ralph. He was
in Westminster Abbey and there before him he suddenly saw a face which
took his heart by storm--the face of his old playfellow grown into
gentle gracious womanhood. Then the same face, but with wistful love-lit
eyes was lifted up to his outside the house in Queen Anne’s Gate
kindling hope in his heart and filling him with a glow of happiness
which had carried him through the pain of the parting. These same
love-lit eyes and a yet more wonderful response of soul to soul rose in
vision before him as he recalled a certain summer afternoon by the sea
shore. What did it matter to him that the cold spring wind raged round
the carriage piercing every crevice, or that the hail-stones rattled
angrily against the glass! He was far away from it all, seeing blue
waves and the mellow brown side of a boat and Evereld’s blushing face.
The memory of that August day lasted him all the rest of the way to
London; then in the chilly dawn they made their way to the nearest
hotel, where the order of things was reversed for Ralph at last fell
sound asleep on a sofa in the reading room and it was Macneillie who was
wakeful and saw visions of the past--visions that he dared not dwell
upon because with them there came the maddening recollection that he was
close to Christine, that it would be the easiest thing in the world, yet
the most fatal, to go that afternoon and call upon her. What was she
doing? How did she struggle on in the difficult life on which she had
embarked? All the craving to know, all the longing to serve her must be
crushed down in his heart. Alone she must dree her weird. Alone he must
bear the anguish of her pain and his own bitter loss.
Almost involuntarily, those hard views of God from which years ago
he had been rescued by Thomas Erskine’s book “The Spiritual Order,”
returned now to him, flooding his mind with rebellious thoughts.
Why did all this misery come to him? Why were the mistakes and sins of
others visited upon him? Why were the ways of God so unequal? Other men
prospered. Other men had the desire of their hearts granted. Why was he
for ever to be thwarted? For years he knew that he had made strenuous
efforts to live uprightly, yet there seemed nothing before him but
sorrow; while over yonder there was a mere boy of one and twenty about
to gain after the briefest of struggles the woman he loved.
The Tempter had however defeated his own object by introducing the
thought of Ralph Denmead. Macneillie’s heart was too large for jealousy
to harbour in it. Jealousy can only rest long and comfortably in narrow,
and cramped hearts where self love and petty absorption in trifles has
contracted the space.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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