"Pudgie," he said, in a moved sort of voice, "I'm no good to you. Get out
of this. Get out--"
"No, no, Benlian!" I pleaded.
"Get out, do you hear, and don't come again! Go and live somewhere
else--go away from London--don't let me know where you go--"
"Oh, what have I done?" I asked unhappily; and he was muttering again.
"Perhaps it would be better for me too," he muttered; and then he added,
"Come, bundle out!"
So in home I went, and finished my ivory for the firm; but I can't tell
you how friendless and unhappy I felt.
Now I used to know in those days a little girl--a nice, warm-hearted
little thing, just friendly you know, who used to come to me sometimes in
another place I lived at and mend for me and so on. It was an awful long
time since I'd seen her; but she found me out one night--came to that
yard, walked straight in, went straight to my linen-bag, and began to
look over my things to see what wanted mending, just as she used to. I
don't mind confessing that I was a bit sweet on her at one time; and it
made me feel awfully mean, the way she came in, without asking any
questions, and took up my mending.
So she sat doing my things, and I sat at my work, glad of a bit of
company; and she chatted as she worked, just jolly and gentle and not at
all reproaching me.
But as suddenly as a shot, right in the middle of it all, I found myself
wondering about Benlian again. And I wasn't only wondering; somehow I was
horribly uneasy about him. It came to me that he might be ill or
something. And all the fun of her having come to see me was gone. I found
myself doing all sorts of stupid things to my work, and glancing at my
watch that was lying on the table before me.
At last I couldn't stand it any longer. I got up.
"Daisy," I said, "I've got to go out now."
She seemed surprised.
"Oh, why didn't you tell me I'd been keeping you!" she said, getting up
at once.
I muttered that I was awfully sorry....
I packed her off. I closed the door in the hoarding behind her. Then I
walked straight across the yard to Benlian's.
He was lying on a couch, not doing anything.
"I know I ought to have come sooner, Benlian," I said, "but I had
somebody with me."
"Yes," he said, looking hard at me; and I got a bit red.
"She's awfully nice," I stammered; "but you never bother with girls, and
you don't drink or smoke--"
"No," he said.
"Well," I continued, "you ought to have a little relaxation; you're
knocking yourself up." And, indeed, he looked awfully ill.
But he shook his head.
"A man's only a definite amount of force in him, Pudgie," he said, "and
if he spends it in one way he goes short in another. Mine goes--there."
He glanced at the statue. "I rarely sleep now," he added.
"Then you ought to see a doctor," I said, a bit alarmed. (I'd felt sure
he was ill.)
"No, no, Pudgie. My force is all going there--all but the minimum that
can't be helped, you know.... You've heard artists talk about 'putting
their soul into their work,' Pudgie?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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