Within Prison Walls: being a narrative during a week of voluntary confinement in the state prison at Auburn, New YorkOsborne, Thomas Mott
History
Within Prison Walls: being a narrative during a week of voluntary confinement in the state prison at Auburn, New York
Osborne, Thomas Mott
Auburn Prison; Prisoners -- New York (State); Prisons -- New York (State)
An hour and a half does not seem such an endless period of time usually.
Well, it all depends. When you are in a dark prison cell, waiting for
deliverance, it seems a lifetime. I lived through every hour in the minute
of that interminable period of five thousand four hundred seconds.
At last I hear a sound--one of the most welcome sounds I ever heard--the
six o'clock train blowing off steam over at the New York Central station.
I find myself wondering why I am not ready to shout with joy, and I
discover it is because I feel as if all power of emotion had been crushed
out of me. It is not merely utter and hopeless fatigue; it is as if
something had broken inside of me; as if I could never be joyous again; as
if I must be haunted forever by a sense of shame and guilt for my own
share of responsibility for this iniquitous place. My sensation, when at
last I hear the sound of the key in the lock of the outer door, is not one
of exultation, only of approaching relief from deadly pain--pain which has
become almost insupportable.
Once more we hear the outer door open and steps coming along the passage.
I rise from my seat on the floor, and put on my shirt and shoes as I
whisper, "Good bye, boys. I wish I could take you with me." Then the inner
door is opened, the light is lighted, and my cell door swings out.
Some one stands there--I do not know who--I do not care. Listlessly, like
one in a dream, I pick up my cap and coat; and silently, wearily, move out
and toward the bench where I changed my clothes last night. Last night!--a
thousand years ago. The officer--the keeper--the man, whoever he is, who
has come to release me, produces my regular prison uniform; and
listlessly, silently, wearily, I make the change, dropping my jail
garments upon the floor. I feel as if I should like to grind my heels into
the loathsome, hated things.
With a parting look along the row of cells which imprison my comrades, and
choking down my feelings as I think of the sick lad we are leaving without
water, I stumble along the passage to the jail office, pausing only while
my attendant locks behind us the two iron doors. Another moment and I feel
my lungs expand with a deep refreshing breath, and find myself out in the
ghostly quiet of the prison yard.
The morning air is fresh and cool, and there is a soft gray light which
seems to touch soothingly the old gray stones of the prison; but I have a
feeling as if nothing were alive, as if I were a gray, uneasy ghost
visiting a city of the dead. The only thing suggestive of life seems to be
the sound of my heavy shoes upon the stone pavement.
I have a remote impression that my attendant is saying something. Perhaps
I answer him. I think I do, but I am not sure. If so, it is only from the
force of habit, not from any conscious mental process.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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