Could it be that this fierce pleasure-lust, which he felt so fatally
in Gladys, and saw in Luke, and was seduced by in his own veins, was
after all the true secret of Nature, and, to contend against it,
madness and impossible folly? Was he, and not they, the really morbid
and infatuated one--morbid with the arbitrary pride of a desperate
tradition of perverted heroic souls? He moved along the pavement under
the church wall and looked up at its grand immovable tower. “Are you,
too,” he thought, “but the symbol of an insane caprice in the mad
human race, seeking, in fond recklessness, to alter the basic laws of
the great World?”
The casuistical philosophy of Mr. Taxater returned to his mind. What
would the papal apologist say to him now, thus torn and tugged at by
all the forces of hell? He felt a curious doubt in his heart as to
the side on which, in this mad struggle, the astute theologian really
stood. Perhaps, for all his learning, the man was no more Christian in
his true soul, than had been many of those historic popes whose office
he defended. In his desperate mood Clavering longed to get as near as
possible to the altar of this God of his, who thus bade him confront
the whole power of nature and all the wisdom of the world. He looked up
and down the street. Two men were talking outside The Goat and Boy, but
their backs were turned. With a quick sudden movement he put his hands
on the top of the wall and scrambled hastily over, scraping his shins
as he did so on a sharp stone at the top. He moved rapidly to the place
where rose the strange tombstone designed by the atheist carver. It was
here that Vennie and he had entered into their heroic covenant only
twenty-four hours before. He looked at the enormous skull so powerfully
carved and at the encircled cross beneath it. He laid his hand upon the
skull, precisely as he had done the night before; only this time there
were no little cold fingers to instil pure devotion into him. Instead
of the touch of such fingers he felt the burning contact of Gladys’
soft lips.
No! it was an impossible task that his God had laid upon him. Why not
give up the struggle? Why not throw over this mad idol of purity he
had raised for his worship, and yield himself to the great stream? The
blood rushed to his head with the alluring images that this thought
evoked. Perhaps, after all, Gladys would marry him, and then--why,
then, he could revert to the humourous wisdom of Mr. Taxater, and
cultivate the sweet mystical speculations of modernism; reconciling,
pleasantly and easily, the natural pleasures of the senses, with the
natural exigencies of the soul!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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