Bildungsromans; Feminist fiction; Women -- Employment -- Fiction; Young women -- Fiction
“Oh! that is owing to my pretty shawl. I put it on in honor of the day,
though it is a trifle warm, I confess.” And Christie stroked the soft
folds about her shoulders, and settled the corner that lay lightly on
her hair. “I do feel peaceful to-night, but not pious. I am afraid I
never shall do that,” she added soberly.
“Why not?”
“Well, it does not seem to be my nature, and I don’t know how to change
it. I want something to keep me steady, but I can’t find it. So I
whiffle about this way and that, and sometimes think I am a most
degenerate creature.”
“That is only human nature, so don’t be troubled. We are all compasses
pointing due north. We get shaken often, and the needle varies in spite
of us; but the minute we are quiet, it points right, and we have only
to follow it.”
“The keeping quiet is just what I cannot do. Your mother shows me how
lovely it is, and I try to imitate it; but this restless soul of mine
will ask questions and doubt and fear, and worry me in many ways. What
shall I do to keep it still?” asked Christie, smiling, yet earnest.
“Let it alone: you cannot force these things, and the best way is to
wait till the attraction is strong enough to keep the needle steady.
Some people get their ballast slowly, some don’t need much, and some
have to work hard for theirs.”
“Did you?” asked Christie; for David’s voice fell a little, as he
uttered the last words.
“I have not got much yet.”
“I think you have. Why, David, you are always cheerful and contented,
good and generous. If that is not true piety, what is?”
“You are very much deceived, and I am sorry for it,” said David, with
the impatient gesture of the head, and a troubled look.
“Prove it!” And Christie looked at him with such sincere respect and
regard, that his honest nature would not let him accept it, though it
gratified him much.
He made no answer for a minute. Then he said slowly, as if feeling a
modest man’s hesitation to speak of himself, yet urged to it by some
irresistible impulse:
“I will prove it if you won’t mind the unavoidable egotism; for I
cannot let you think me so much better than I am. Outwardly I seem to
you ‘cheerful, contented, generous, and good.’ In reality I am sad,
dissatisfied, bad, and selfish: see if I’m not. I often tire of this
quiet life, hate my work, and long to break away, and follow my own
wild and wilful impulses, no matter where they lead. Nothing keeps me
at such times but my mother and God’s patience.”
David began quietly; but the latter part of this confession was made
with a sudden impetuosity that startled Christie, so utterly unlike his
usual self-control was it. She could only look at him with the surprise
she felt. His face was in the shadow; but she saw that it was flushed,
his eyes excited, and in his voice she heard an undertone that made it
sternly self-accusing.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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