The condition of Mr. Ashurst's affairs had not proved to be quite so
deplorable as had been supposed. There was a small insurance on his
life; there were a few trifling sums due to him, which the debtors
made haste to pay, owing, indeed, to the immediate application made to
them by Mr. Creswell, who interfered as actively as unostentatiously
on behalf of the bereaved woman; altogether a little sum remained,
which would keep them above want, or the almost equally painful effort
of immediate exertion to earn their own living, _with management_.
Yes, that was the qualification which Marian understood thoroughly,
understood to mean daily and hourly self-denial, watchfulness, and
calculation, and more and worse than that--the termination on her part
of the hope of preventing her mother's missing the material comforts
which had been procured and preserved for her by a struggle whose
weariness she had never been permitted to comprehend.
The old house had been shabby and poor, but it had been comfortable.
It had given them space and cleanliness, and there was no vulgarity in
its meagreness. But the only order of lodgings to which her mother and
she could venture to aspire was that which invariably combines the
absence of space and of cleanliness with the presence of tawdriness
and discomfort. And this must last until Walter should be able to
rescue them from it. She could not suffice to that rescue herself, but
he would. He must succeed! Had he not every quality, every facility,
and the strongest of motives? She felt this--that, in her case, the
strongest motive would have been the desire for success, _per se_; but
in his the strongest was his love of her. She recognised this, she
knew this, she admired it in an odd abstract kind of way; when her
heart was sufficiently disengaged from pressing care to find a moment
for any kind of joy, she rejoiced in it; but she knew she could not
imitate it--that was not in her. She had not much experience of
herself yet, and the process of self-analysis was not habitual to her;
but she felt instinctively that the more selfish instincts of love
were hers, its noble influences, its profounder motives her lover's.
It was, then, to him she had to look, in him she had to trust, for the
rescue that was to come in time. In how much time? in how little? Ah,
there was the ever-present, ever-pressing question, and Marian brought
to its perpetual repetition all the importance, all the unreasonable
measurement of time, all the ignorance of its exceeding brevity and
insignificance inseparable from her youth.
She had nearly completed the preparations for departure from the old
home; the few possessions left her and her mother were ready for
removal; a lodging in the village had been engaged, and the last few
days were dragging themselves heavily over the heads of Mrs. Ashurst
and Marian, when Mr. Creswell, having returned to Woolgreaves after a
short absence, came to see them.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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