"It was before I met you. Will you let me finish? I want to tell you.
It's not your fault. It's something in myself. Don't think I'm blaming
you. You've never seen me, Basil. You've seen a woman who likes being
spoilt, who likes being loved, who knows how to get what she wants, and
yet contrives to do it with a kind of fiendish decency, for I haven't a
blatant fashion of alluring. And you've seen the other woman who likes
power. Perhaps it is the same woman on her more intellectual side. Yes,
power! When I look back, I see that it is a distorted kind of power I've
wanted. And to know one's self loved is to have power. You see how I was
tempted, yet I did not know that I was falling. Now I know--and there's
an end to it. I have to ask your pardon for making you the victim, and
to--to thank you for all your sweetness--too much sweetness."
She was like a bit of smiling steel, he thought--a sword, sorry to have
to wound, yet bound to do it. He had no hope of mastering her, though he
saw pity dragged from her heart into her eyes. He was haggard. She had
been right to call him victim.
"But why after last night?" he asked.
"It had to be some time, hadn't it? Before marriage, or after it."
"But why last night? There's something you're not telling me."
"Haven't I said enough?"
"You needn't be afraid of hurting. I shall be glad of it."
She nodded comprehension. "I had a fight last night. I had to give you
all my confidences or none, and I wanted to keep you because I like you,
and because I'd entangled you with some of my dearest thoughts. But it
was hard to tell you what I was going to tell you, and then you wouldn't
listen, and you made me laugh, and I saw--oh, clearly--that you would
never have understood, and I felt--oh, must I tell you?--I felt I'd
saved something very precious from destruction. And so there was an
end."
He was sitting on the dusty, wooden bench, staring before him.
"If only there weren't any people," she said for him. He started. "It's
hateful for you, dear. All those good friends of yours, looking so
sorrowful and being so curious. Oh, I am sorry! You can tell them
anything you like about me, and nothing will be bad enough."
"Please don't, Theresa."
She began to count the cobwebs hanging from the roof.
"Why don't you have this place kept clean?"
"I do, in the summer."
Over and over again she counted them. She made calculations of the
height of the walls, the length and breadth of the floor, while the
sight of Morton sitting there, inert and miserable, roused her to an
irritated, helpless pity.
"Do you think I could go home this morning, please?" she asked softly.
"I'll see about it."
"You won't want to tell Mrs. Morton, will you? I'll do it."
"Be kind to her, Theresa."
"My dear, she'll thank God for an escape."
"Ah, don't----"
"No. Good-bye."
He stood up. He seemed very tall and broken, resting one hand heavily on
the little rustic table.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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