When he reached the dining-room he sat down at a table near a window. The
flowers, the white linen, the many-coloured wine glasses, the gay
toilettes of the women, the low popping of corks, the undulating
repetitions of the _Blue Danube_ from the orchestra, all flooded Paul's
dream with bewildering radiance. When the roseate tinge of his champagne
was added--that cold, precious, bubbling stuff that creamed and foamed in
his glass--Paul wondered that there were honest men in the world at all.
This was what all the world was fighting for, he reflected; this was
what all the struggle was about. He doubted the reality of his past. Had
he ever known a place called Cordelia Street, a place where fagged
looking business men boarded the early car? Mere rivets in a machine they
seemed to Paul,--sickening men, with combings of children's hair always
hanging to their coats, and the smell of cooking in their clothes.
Cordelia Street--Ah, that belonged to another time and country! Had
he not always been thus, had he not sat here night after night, from as
far back as he could remember, looking pensively over just such
shimmering textures, and slowly twirling the stem of a glass like this
one between his thumb and middle finger? He rather thought he had.
He was not in the least abashed or lonely. He had no especial desire to
meet or to know any of these people; all he demanded was the right to
look on and conjecture, to watch the pageant. The mere stage properties
were all he contended for. Nor was he lonely later in the evening, in
his loge at the Opera. He was entirely rid of his nervous misgivings, of
his forced aggressiveness, of the imperative desire to show himself
different from his surroundings. He felt now that his surroundings
explained him. Nobody questioned the purple; he had only to wear it
passively. He had only to glance down at his dress coat to reassure
himself that here it would be impossible for anyone to humiliate him.
He found it hard to leave his beautiful sitting-room to go to bed that
night, and sat long watching the raging storm from his turret window.
When he went to sleep, it was with the lights turned on in his bedroom;
partly because of his old timidity, and partly so that, if he should
wake in the night, there would be no wretched moment of doubt, no
horrible suspicion of yellow wall-paper, or of Washington and Calvin
above his bed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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