He turned and walked reluctantly toward the car tracks. The end had to
come sometime; his father in his night-clothes at the top of the stairs,
explanations that did not explain, hastily improvised fictions that were
forever tripping him up, his upstairs room and its horrible yellow
wallpaper, the creaking bureau with the greasy plush collar-box, and over
his painted wooden bed the pictures of George Washington and John Calvin,
and the framed motto, "Feed my Lambs," which had been worked in red
worsted by his mother, whom Paul could not remember.
Half an hour later, Paul alighted from the Negley Avenue car and went
slowly down one of the side streets off the main thoroughfare. It was a
highly respectable street, where all the houses were exactly alike, and
where business men of moderate means begot and reared large families
of children, all of whom went to Sabbath-school and learned the shorter
catechism, and were interested in arithmetic; all of whom were as exactly
alike as their homes, and of a piece with the monotony in which they
lived. Paul never went up Cordelia Street without a shudder of loathing.
His home was next the house of the Cumberland minister. He approached it
tonight with the nerveless sense of defeat, the hopeless feeling of
sinking back forever into ugliness and commonness that he had always had
when he came home. The moment he turned into Cordelia Street he felt the
waters close above his head. After each of these orgies of living, he
experienced all the physical depression which follows a debauch; the
loathing of respectable beds, of common food, of a house permeated by
kitchen odours; a shuddering repulsion for the flavourless, colourless
mass of every-day existence; a morbid desire for cool things and soft
lights and fresh flowers.
The nearer he approached the house, the more absolutely unequal Paul felt
to the sight of it all; his ugly sleeping chamber; the cold bath-room
with the grimy zinc tub, the cracked mirror, the dripping spiggots; his
father, at the top of the stairs, his hairy legs sticking out from his
nightshirt, his feet thrust into carpet slippers. He was so much later
than usual that there would certainly be inquiries and reproaches. Paul
stopped short before the door. He felt that he could not be accosted by
his father tonight; that he could not toss again on that miserable bed.
He would not go in. He would tell his father that he had no car fare, and
it was raining so hard he had gone home with one of the boys and stayed
all night.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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