The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
And look at that one, they call him _Boney_-parte. Did you ever in
all your lifetime see a leaner?——And "Royal Dinner Saloons" (for
royalty the knives might have been a little brighter, and the
linen a little cleaner);
And women with last-dying speeches in one hand, and in the other all
the best new comic songs;——And, dear me! how funnily that
gentleman sits his horse; for all the world just like a pair of
tongs.
And—clear the course! clear the course! Oh, dear! now the great
Derby race is going to be run.——Twelve to one! Ten to one! Six to
one! Nine to two! Sixteen to three! Done, done, done, done!
Here they come! here they come! blue, green buff, yellow, black,
brown, white, harlequin, and red!——Sir, I wish you'd stand off of
our carriage steps: it's quite impossible to see through your
head.
There, now they're gone: how many times round? Times round, eh? why,
bless your innocent face!——It's all over. All over! you don't say
so! I wish I'd never come: such a take in! call that a Derby race!
After being stifled with dust almost, and spoiling all our best
bonnets and shawls and cloaks!——Call that a Derby race, indeed!
I'm sure it's no Derby, but nothing but a right-down, regular
_Oaks_.
But come, let's have a bit of lunch: I'm as hungry as if I hadn't
had a bit all day.——Smith, what are you staring at? why don't you
make haste, and hand us the hamper this way?
We shall never have anything to eat all day if you don't stir
yourself, and not go on at that horrid slow rate.——Oh, Lord! the
bottom's out, and every bit of meat and drink, and worse than all,
the knives and forks and plate,—
Stole and gone clean away! Good heavenlies! and I told you to keep
your eye on the basket, you stupid lout!——Well, so I did, on the
_top_ of it, but who'd have thought of their taking the bottom
out?
Well, never mind: they'll be prettily disappointed: for you know,
betwixt you and me and the wall,——Our ivory knives and forks were
nothing but bone; and our plate nothing but German silver, after
all.
What race is to be run next? No more, ma'am: the others were all run
afore you come.——Well, then, have the horses put to, Smith: I'll
never come a Derbying again; and let us be off home.
Oh, lawk! what a stodge of carriages! I'm sure we shall never get
off the course alive!——Oh, dear! do knock that young drunken
gentleman off the box: I'm sure he's not in a fit state to drive.
There, I told you how it would be. Oh, law! you've broke my arm, and
compound-fractured my leg!——Oh! for 'eavens sake, lift them two
'orrid osses off my darter! Sir, take your hands out of my
pocket-hole, I beg!