The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
"But to cut a Long Tail Short,—when my dear Ben Bannister left me, miss
fortin Staired me in the face, and every boddy turn'd their Backs on me,
and I culd not bare such a Front, so i got a place as a servnt of all
work, and my mind was maid up to be in duster house: but it was a Grate
fall for me down into the Kitchen, tho when i got there i found a
Grater; for my first missus was a Dresser, and often and often when I've
bin all over greece she has calld me up to her Rome to help her on with
her gownd, witch was very humblin to 1 as was used to have her own made
to wait upon her. Butt i left her bekause we lived at a Fishmongers &
itt Smelt so; and i had more than twenty Plaices in the first 12 months,
wich Maid me quite Crabby, for I was going Backwards. But mississes are
as proud as my lord Mare, and makes you work like an Horse; so I turned
myself Out, for i culd not In-Door itt.
"I wont trubbel you with all my trubbels, but will skipp over the hole
to give you my Last, wich dont Fit me at all; and its Jest no Joke, I
can ashure you, for its like as if my 20 mississes was turnd into one.
I've bin in the plaice almost a month, soe I have had a pritty gud
experense.
"First, i Seconds all the close, & theres 13 of us in fammaly. Theres
missis & master, thats 2, but misses says as how theyre 1: theres the 3
young ladys is 5; and the 3 boys from skool, where i am sure they never
larnt no manners, & I dont love em at all, that's Hate; & the 2 yung
babbys in harms is 10; and mr. Phipps the frunt parler loger is 11, and
mr Snooks the back parler loger is 12 & i am just thirteen. So i leaves
you to juge when i Hang em all out if there isnt enuff to Do for.
"Missis is what they calls a not Abel womman, & keeps 1 scrubbin & doin
all day long, & is so pertickler, that when master cums home on a wet
day, i has to lift him into the hous for fear he shuld dirty the steps.
To be shure he's a werry littel man, but then its so shockin indillikat.
Missis is verry fond of Bruin too, witch i cant Bear, and i hates Hops,
xcept when i goes to a dance; besides, the Hopperation quite puts one
into a fomentation, and sets one all of a Work. Then the fammaly is so
verry unreglar, & we keeps a deal of cumpany, tho they dont alow any
follerers, and missis is always snubbin me if the Butcher or the Baker
stopps a minuet att the gait. But if i were even to liv in a garratt, i
shuld be abuv sitch peepel & shuld look down uppon em. I no one of the
yung ladys casts a sheeps eye on the Butcher herself, but i hop he wont
giv her his Hart, for i am shure she would be a gay Liver, & i no she
has plenty of Tung.