The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
"Yes, I hear!" replied the agonized Goffoni; "I know! a highway robbery!
I did it! I did it!"
"Mark that, gentlemen!" said the drover to the soldiers. "The fellow
confesses he did it; mark that!"
"Oh, you did it, did you?" said the soldier. "Come, then, you must go
with us. So quick! stir yourself, I say." And again the regulation-boot
hammered away at the sides of the unfortunate Goffoni.
"Do let me die here, _do_!" implored the moribund Signor G.
"Die here!" returned the man of war. "No, no! you'll have to die in a
rather more public place than this, I'm thinking. But come! we're not
going to be played the fool with in this manner. Get up, I tell you once
more!" So saying, the soldier took the prostrate Signor by the collar
and set him on his legs.
"Oh! why _wont_ you let me be quiet?" groaned Goffoni; "I've taken
poison—indeed I have!"
"Taken poison!" the soldier exclaimed, with a sneer; "taken a purse, you
mean, and it will prove just as fatal to you, I'll be sworn. However,
we're not to be gulled by any such flams, don't think it. So let's see
what you've got in your pockets. Oh! a pair of diamond earrings, eh?
Very pretty indeed! the produce of some other robbery, no doubt! A gold
watch, and ditto snuff-box! Equally honestly come by, I'll wager. A good
stroke of business you've been doing this evening, my man! And here's a
silk purse, with lots of money in it; and here's a leathern one without
a soldo."
"The leathern one's mine!" cried the drover; "but it was full when the
scoundrel took it from me."
"Of course it was! and the rogue's emptied the contents of the one into
the other. But that don't matter—the mere finding of the purse upon him
is quite enough to take the breath out of his body. So, come! give over
this shamming," continued the soldier, violently shaking the drowsy
Signor, who was again nodding under the somnorific effects of the
laudanum. "We're too old birds to be caught by such chaff as this, I can
tell you. So on to prison with you—get on."
Whereupon two of the soldiers placed themselves, one on either side of
the ill-fated Goffoni, and commenced dragging him by the collar to the
Casa di Correzione, while the two others attended him in the rear, and
by the aid of their bayonets, applied to that part of his person where a
gentleman's honour is supposed to reside, kept continually dissipating
the incipient slumbers of the somnolent Signor, and goading him like an
untractable donkey on to the nearest house of entertainment for brigands
and patriots.
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