The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
Yes! facetious reader, it was even so! The Signora's gallant Marchese
was none other than the Signor's ungallant stranger, a gentleman better
known in the romance of highway robbery as VIRTUOSO, the brigand! and
who, in the glowing language of one of the many instructive novels, of
which he afterwards became the hero, "was no vulgar Freebooter." No! his
was a spirit too proud to beg, too chivalrous to work, and too generous
to trade. If he took from the rich he freely gave to the poor; and if,
in the pursuance of his romantic vocation, he was compelled, in
self-defence, to sacrifice the life of some obstinate victim, he ever
after endeavoured to remove the stain of the blood from his soul by the
scouring drops of contrition. Nor was his love of the poor greater than
his love of—WOMAN! To her his lustrous eye and soft guitar-like voice,
coupled with the perils of his adventurous life, had ever a magical
charm. He was not merely the Freebooter of Lucre, but—the Brigand of the
Heart! And if his passion was of too fickle and roving a nature, at
least in extenuation it may be pleaded that he never parted from the
object of his love without first abstracting from her some article of
jewellery or plate, by which to treasure up her remembrance.
However, to return to poor Goffoni. The day of his trial at length
arrived. On being placed in the dock it seemed to him as if he were
standing on the doorstep of Eternity; for reflection and everybody had
conspired to assure him of the utter hopelessness of his case. And when,
to his infinite horror, he heard the drover, without the least
hesitation, swear that he, the Signor, was the man who had taken his
purse, Goffoni felt as though his shoulders had already served his head
with notice to quit. The judge, however, finding that the case turned on
a point of disputed identity, ordered the prisoner to put on the hat
which had been dropped on the road. Goffoni did so, and was suffused
with a cold perspiration on finding that it fitted him to a hair. He was
then directed to endorse his body with the cloak, which, alas! also
suited the poor devil as though it had been made to measure. The drover
looked at him for a second, and then swore with even greater certainty
than before that he was the identical person who had robbed him. Goffoni
now saw that the sands of his last moments were fast running through the
egg-boiler of his existence, when—as the gentlemen of the Italian press
afterwards expressed it—"a stranger, dressed in the first style of
fashion, rose from the body of the court, and requested to be permitted
to put on the articles in which the prisoner had just appeared." Having
obtained the sanction of the judge, he attired himself in the cloak and
hat, and demanded of the drover, on his oath, whether he, the stranger,
was not the party who had taken his purse? The drover eyed the stranger
from top to toe, and then, after a little deliberation, swore even still
more emphatically that he was.