The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
Given—A bottle of British brandy.
To Find—A gentleman to drink it.<br>
Given—The legal fare.
To Find—A cabman who is satisfied with it.<br>
Given—A wife and twelve children.
To Find—The man who is contented with his lot.<br>
Given—A good flogging.
To Find—A schoolmaster who doesn't say "it hurts him a great deal more"
than the boy he is flogging.
Given—Advice.
To Find—A man to act upon it.<br>
Given—One hundred philanthropists.
To Find—Anything they have given.<br>
Given—A dog, a cat, and a mother-in-law.
To Find—The house that is not too hot to hold them.<br>
Given—Several cooks on board wages.
To Find—Any tea and sugar left in your tea-caddy.<br>
Given—A railway accident.
To Find—The person whose fault it was.
THE MOST DIFFICULT PROBLEM OF ALL.
Given—The "Comic Almanack."
To Find—A bad joke in it.
THE STOCK MARKET.
_Old Gentleman._—Oh! my boy, you have called for the paper, have you?
Well, I suppose you read everything—know of course all the news. I
shouldn't be at all surprised now that you can tell me the price of
stocks?
_Newspaper Boy (very quickly)._—Two bunches a penny, sir.
FULL MOURNING AND HALF MOURNING.
In this age of costumes, when everybody cries out for a particular
dress, from a Puseyite to a charity boy, we think the poor shopmen in
the Mourning Depôts have been shabbily overlooked. The Half Mourning
Gentlemen should be dressed in the style of the old pictures seen in
Wardour Street, one half black, the other white. And the Full Mourning
Gentlemen, who have to wait on disconsolate widows, and offer them a
choice of weeds, should be black from head to foot, and that effect not
produced by art but by the hand of nature. No Ethiopian artificiality,
but a real Nigger reality.
* * * * *
NEW YEAR'S DAY.—Now kill your dragon, for the friendly game of snap, and
hire your blind-man, only take care he is a good buffer. Now get your
needle ready for the purpose of threading, and hunt everywhere for a
slipper, only if there is a wood pavement in the neighbourhood, you need
not go far to pick up one. Now riddle your company well with conundrums,
and bore them with acting charades, till every one is tired of the fun,
and fairly gives it up.
* * * * *
THE HEIGHT OF COWARDICE.—Kicking a man with a wooden leg.
ODE ON ST. CECILIA'S DAY.
[A LONG WAY AFTER POPE.]
[Illustration:
LUMLEY'S TRUMP CARD
]
[Illustration:
NOTES OF THE SWEDISH NIGHTINGALE.
]