The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
The Scarlet-Runner, which is the vegetable emblem for a file, was hidden
in the heel of a boot, and the Cow Cabbage, which is the beautiful
synonym for a rope, smuggled in to the poor prisoner through a large
German sausage, of which he was passionately fond. He escaped that very
night, and repaid with the affection of a whole life the devotion of his
attached "Marrowfat," that is to say his wife; we do not give a
translation of these memorable letters, as we wish our readers to refer
to the Language of Vegetables itself; for we feel it is so fascinating a
science that when once they go into it, they will not leave a single
vegetable unturned till they have got to the root of every word.
IF,
!!!AND???
If marriages are made in heaven, what a pity the happy pair should leave
the place directly, upon a mere matter of ceremony!
If thou stoodest outside the door, thy hand upon the handle, hast thou
ever paused to arrange thy curls, and to pull up thy collar, and to
inspect first thy wristbands, and then thy boots? If so, thou hast
loved, ay, and madly too.
If a good name were purchasable, how few would avail themselves of the
luxury if they had to pay ready money for it!
If there is really "luck in odd numbers," we can account for the curious
fact of so many ladies stopping half of their lives at the age of
thirty-nine.
If two is company, and three is none, what a very melancholy time old
Cerberus must have of it!
If "distance lends enchantment to the view," then the British Drama
ought to hold out to speculators the most enchanting views in the world,
for never were its prospects so distant as at the present moment.
If Napoleon had won the battle of Waterloo, Gomersal must have died
comparatively unknown.
If man and wife had a plate glass to their hearts, how long would they
remain together?
If soda-water had only been known in the time of Alexander, it is but
fair to conclude that the murder of Clytus never would have taken place.
If England were to be divided to-morrow morning equally among all its
inhabitants, we should not like to be the man whose dismal lot for life
turned out to be Trafalgar Square!
If Janus really had two faces, we deeply pity him, if he ever drank a
tumbler of Vauxhall punch, for he must have had the following morning
two headaches instead of one!
If animals could speak, we can imagine the first words a donkey would
address to man would be "_Et tu brute_."