Revolving lights : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 7 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Revolving lights : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 7
John Stuart Mill · en
_He_ had never for a moment shared her sense of endlessness.... More
sociably minded than she ... but not more sociable ... more quickly
impatient of the cessations made by social occasions, _he_ had no
visions of waiting people.... His personal life was centred on her
completely. But the things she threw out to screen her incommunicable
blissfulnesses, or to shelter her vacuous intervals from the unendurable
sound of his perpetual circling round his set of ideas, no longer
reached him. She could silence and awaken him only in those rare moments
when she was lifted out of her growing fatigues to where she could grasp
and state in all its parts any view of life that was different from his
own. Since she could not hold him to these shifting visions, nor drop
them and accept his world, they had no longer anything to exchange....
At the best they were like long-married people, living, alone, side by
side; meeting only in relation to outside things. Any breaking of the
silence into which she retreated while keeping him talking, every pause
in her outbursts of irrepressible cheerfulness, immediately brought her
beating up against the bars of his vision of life as uniform experience,
and gave her a fresh access of longing to cut out of her consciousness
the years she had spent in conflict with it.
Always until tonight her longing to escape the unmanageable burden of
his Jewishness had been quenched by the pain of the thought of his going
off alone into banishment. But tonight the long street they were in
shone brightly towards the movement of her thought. Some hidden barrier
to their separation had been removed. She waited curbed, incredulous of
her freedom to breathe the wide air; unable to close her ears to the
morning sounds of the world opening before her as the burden slipped
away. Drawing back, she paused to try upon herself the effect of his
keenly imagined absence. She was dismantled, chill and empty handed,
returning unchanged to loneliness. But no thrill of pain followed this
final test; the unbelievable severance was already made. Even whilst
looking for words that would break the shock, she felt she had spoken.
His voice breaking his silence, came like an echo. She went like a ghost
along the anticipated phrases, keenly aware only of those early moments
when she had first gathered the shapes and rhythms of his talk.
Freedom; and with it that terrible darkness in his voice. Words must be
said; but it was cruel to speak from far away; from the midst of joy.
The unburdened years were speeding towards her; she felt their breath;
the lifting of the light with the presence, just beyond the passing
moments, of the old companionship that for so long had been hers only
when she could forget her surrounded state.... His resonant cough
brought her again the sound of his voice ... how could the warm kind
voice disappear from her days ... she felt herself quailing in
loneliness before the sharp edges of her daily life.